Chapter 13: Chapter 13

XIII

"Relationship?" he looks at me with an expectant expression on his face.

Goddamn it. I hated that word more and more.

I sigh. What do I say? I can't hurt him, but I also just woke up in this.

"I-" I close my eyes, trying to put the words together, and I can just feel Axel putting distance between us as he sees how reluctant I am.

Goddamnit, this is not what I wanted.

"It's okay, I shouldn't have focused on that word." he says, distant look in his eyes.

"It's not okay." I immediately stop him. I shake my head, let out a few deep breaths in frustration, then step out of the Jacuzzi on the patio floor, wrapping a towel around myself.

Axel's eyes follow me all the time, but they don't seem as happy as they did just a few minutes ago.

I take a deep breath before I begin. "I hate this too, you know. It was me who lost all the feelings and woke up with a person she's supposed to love, in a different country, with every single person being new to me, except my mum.

"I hate it, I hate this feeling of not knowing what to expect from any of you, I hate that I can't enjoy all of this the way I'm supposed to be enjoying it and I hate that I'm bringing everyone down along with it.

"I also hate looking at you with love in your eyes and not being able to return it back no matter how much I want it to.

"So no, we're not in a relationship yet but I hate it too, not just you." I finish my rant.

With those words, I head inside, sliding open the door to enter our living room and go upstairs to take a quick shower.

The entire house is amazing, absolutely the most beautiful house I've ever seen, as the same counts for the modern bathroom with an old fashioned bath and a huge shower, fit for probably 8 people.

I had no idea that he made this much money from the boxing, but I'm really happy that I met him when he wasn't this rich or I thought he wasn't, so that it's obvious that I'm not dating him for the money, but because of him.

I take a fifteen minute hot shower, then wipe myself and wrap a towel around myself because I'd forgotten to bring clothes in my over-thinking state.

When I enter our bedroom, Axel's sitting on the bed, his head in his hands and I stop moving when I hear a sniffle coming from him.

"I'm sorry." he whispers, then looks up at me, his eyes red from the tears and my heart swells. "I'm so fucking selfish."

"What? No, Axel, you're not selfish at all." I say, and kneel down in front of him, taking his hands in mine.

He looks up at the ceiling, blinking his tears away, and I feel so bad for my speech outside the house.

It's not his fault that I woke up like this.

"You can't imagine how hard it was for me while you were in coma." he begins, shaking his head softly. "I couldn't do shit for the first few days. I didn't eat, sleep or drink and I turned down any requests and demands that I leave the hospital. I stayed by your side all the fucking time, I literally ran to the toilet because I didn't trust anyone and didn't want you to be alone. God knew what could happen to you if I wasn't there to protect you, and I didn't want to risk it.

"They told me you lost the baby." he says and chuckles darkly, still crying and I almost feel my heart stop.

"What?" I ask and he nods. "They thought you lost our little ball of joy and it broke me. It's funny because I never wanted to be a father and when I found that out it literally killed me, unbelievable how the time changes us." he says, distant look in his eyes.

He chuckles again, as darkly as before. "And then you woke up. You woke up and you fucking didn't love me anymore." shaking his head, he curses. "And you know what I thought? When I found it out? I thought that we could start over and forget about the shitty relationship that we had before when we couldn't even be in the same room for too long before wanting to kill eachother, when all the shit with the gang went down and I was such a fucking asshole to you. I thought it was a good thing, but I forgot one little detail.

"I was still me; yes I changed, but I would always be the same fucked up person who simply doesn't know how to act no matter how much he wants to be normal, and you're still the same stubborn, feisty little girl that likes to argue with me. We'll always be these people and it's terrible for us. I mean, there's no way we're just suddenly gonna get along, is there? What if this is all pointless? Yes, we are like we were made for each other and yes, I'll never love anyone the way I love you, but what does it matter if we can't get along?" he finishes. "I don't want our child to witness us fighting all the time."

I wipe his tears away with my thumbs, thinking of what to say. Taking a deep breath, I begin:"You're right."

His eyebrows shoot up in question, but I ignore his look. "You're right, we are horrible for each other and I'm a hundred percent sure that there will be a million things trying to break us apart, making this even harder, but Axel, that's what makes it great. Do you honestly believe that our relationship would be so amazing and passionate if dwe never faced any problems? Hard is why this is so great, and we'll just have to learn how to live with it because I'm not going to let my child live without its father nor am I going to live without the person I just know am supposed to live with, no matter everything. We're horrid for one another, but that's why we need one another."

I have literally no idea if what I said is true, nor do I know if I believe it, but I know that I want to believe it.

I want to believe it and hopefully, that's what will make all the difference.

Axel seems to have calmed down a little at my words and my insides relax. He smiles at me and takes me in his arms, putting his hand on my tummy. "I love you." he says to my stomach, and then repeats the words, looking me in the eye.

"And I'll learn to love you, too." I lean my forehead on his.

In half an hour, we're asleep, holding on to each other.

***

"Do you know if we've put Wolfie on the leash yesterday?" I call out to Axel next morning, stepping inside the house. I couldn't find him anywhere.

I woke up feeling refreshed, but Axel was still sleeping so I decided to make us breakfast in the kitchen I badly wanted to use, then I went to walk the dog, but I couldn't find him.

Axel doesn't make a sound, nor does he look at me, instead he is frozen on the couch, looking at the television on the wall.

"Axel?" I call out his name, slowly approaching him. I have a feeling something is wrong.

And as soon as I look at the television, I know that I'm right.

On the screen, there's a footage of the very known forest back home, and the title reads:"One of the biggest murder mysteries in American history: remains of at least 20 bodies found."

I plop down next to Axel. "Oh, my god."