Chapter 62: Chapter 62
With each passing minute, she feel like screaming at the top of her voice-so someone could know there was a bubbling volcano in her heart, a volcano that was capable of melting the whole of her heart and soul to a molten magma. With each passing minute, she feel her world crumbling her up, everything in her life was suffocating her to death, her only means of solace was now the means of her grief.
Who would she tell? Who would she inform? She knew she has to let this out, to erupt it out before it erupted by itself. She've cried an ocean of tears, hoping her tears will bring back Al-amin to her room, he would come with a smile and tap her shoulder-telling her she shouldn't worry, assuring her that he would listen to all she have to say. But no! She was only hallucinating, a hallucination that would never be true. Al-amim was far away from her, and she knew for him to come back, it would take forever.
She've re-read the letter more than she've ever read something important in her whole life. It came to the point that she have memorized all the phrases and words that were in that letter, and still; she couldn't come to relate with it or the name of the sender. She knew she was a mess. Deep grungy mess.
Should she call Baba? Because by Allah she need to voice this out, but she knew Baba wouldn't take this lightly on Al-amin, even Hajia herself. Mama would be devastated hearing this, and that means Baba hears also. She broke into another series of tears, ducking her head more into her legs and cried. She cried like never before, with tears that lecerate her nerves before cascading down.
The little hope she has on them is now vanished. She was sure even if she's a guy, it would be a huge blow to her before she could forgive her wife; if to say what happened to her would happen to another lady. She believes this is her Qadr, that's how it's destined on her-the joyful life she would have in her marital life would be for a mean time, but this is just soo much-everything hurts like hell.
She decided on going to Al-amin's room, whatever is going to happen should happen, but she's surely going to talk some senses into him_he must hear her out. It depends on him-to believe her or not, but she's tired of burying the truths depths beneath her soul, when all the procrastination caused on her was Pain.
With the tears flowing down unchecked, she walked out of her room and entered his room with a thumping heart-afraid of what might happen in the confines of the four walls that makes up his room. How would she meet him? Crying? Thinking? Or laughing-for he knew she's capable of doing all sort of things.
"Assalamu Alaikum." Her voice sounded drained than it had ever sounded. It was empty and nebulous. The serenity and melody in it was drained.
She walked towards the bed and found it empty, she sat down on the edge of the bed-as she heard the sounds of water splashings from the bathroom-amd she was sure he's inside the bathroom. She kept praying that he act soft on her, she didn't know what she would do, if he didn't listen to her. Would she gulp down her heart and just die? Would she be diagnosed with a very high blood pressure? Or possibly, a heart cancer?
The door of the bathroom creaked ajar, and a dejected Al-amin trudged out of the bathroom with water dripping down from his face. He didn't notice her, and that gave her the chance to bore her eyes into his. He looked betrayed and heartbroken. From the colour of his eyes, Ummi knew he had cried so much, may be even more than she've cried.
She felt tears pooling her eyes more, and she didn't tried stopping them, for she knew be it now or later, she would surely cry-that she know of.
He felt someone's gaze on him, and as he looked up to her-her breath hitched and she muffled an_
Innalillahi.
His eyes are red, but he looked damn handsome. Eccentric.
She smacked her head and regained back her composure before she looked back at him with the same look on his face, but instead of 'Hatred. Disgust. And pain' hers hold 'Pain. Yearn. And seeking of solace.' These were exact different thing, but what joined them was the same; Pain. And that's the most powerful feeling that fills the hearts of the couple. Pain. Agony.
"What are you doing in my room? Aysha, get out of here! I don't want to ever see you in my life!" He clamoured so loud that his voice echoed in the confines of the room. He was flashing a look that screamed hatred, nothing but despise.
She didn't stopped her tears, nor could she stop the pain in her heart. She let her tears flow freely, she let the emotions erupt out in form of tears, she let everything out. In front of him, may be, just may be; he would consider her and try to hear her out. She was tired of living this kind of life. She wants her Al-amin back. She want everything back like it had never happened.
"Al-amin, you promised to always give me listening ears, you promised to never hurt me intentionally. What happened to you? Won't you for once hear me out? Listen to my side of the story? Would this be the façade beneath your once loving self? This isn't you, Al-amin." She was staring deeply into his orbs, as she utter the words directly onto his face. They were now facing each other, her eyes pouring out the pain within her in such a rush even an ocean wouldn't flow.
"You know why I've turned to be like this? Because you changed your ways also. You've hurt me more than I've ever imagine something to hurt me in my entire life. And I would never forgive you." This wasn't supposed to be the words shared between a husband and wife-these were words that even between strangers-they shouldn't be shared.
But Al-amin is really telling her he would never forgive her? That means Allah's curse railing on her? Who did this to her? Just who? She just want to know who it is, so she could tell him or her that they haven't only ruined their marriage, but also her life. They haven't broke a single heart, but two. They haven't estranged two souls, but also shattered the bond between them_a bond she was sure would never get back.
"Al-amin, you're well educated, and you not forgiving me means Allah's and angel's curses on me. Even if you won't listen to me, forgive me please. Please, Al-amin," she begged, hands brought to a pleading gesture. What would life be without Al-amin? How would she manage to live without him?
"I will never forgive you, Aysha! And you deserve the curses of Allah and his angels-so go deal with it. Get out of my room! I don't need you in my life, Aysha!" He thundered! Pointing at the door-seething with rage.
Ummi almost lost her balance. Wallah this isn't her Al-amin! Where is her husband? Where is he? "Then let go of me! Let me get out of your life, so you'll rest and I also. You're making this hard on me, with every word I uttered to you-it's a sin. Me asking for a divorce, is a sin-Al-amin. Do you want me to die with a sackful of sins?" She couldn't take this anymore. He isn't only making her life a living hell, he isn't just crumbling her life up-but also her kiyamah. She slumped down on the ground without even knowing, she was crying with so much pain-even the sound of her voice alone could break someone's heart, but that only brought a triumphant smile on Al-amin's face.
"That's exactly what I want, you to go to hell with a sackful of sins you wouldn't even carry on your shoulders-you've deserved more than that, Aysha. And for your information, I would never let you go, you'll be together with me forever-you'll see as I live a happy life with Laila, and she would bore me kids that'll be the coolness of my eyes. The kids you weren't able to give me, because you've already turned down your womb-as Hajia said_whoreship wouldn't be sweet, when you can be pregnant for any type of a man." He was a human, but she looked at him as if he were a monster. It was his lips that uttered the words, but she sees them like a rock bubbling a volcano. They were the normal alphabets we memorized the first thing when being admitted to a school, but the difference was that-these were mendling into something her deaf ears would never understand.
Her body slackened completely, and she was no more kneeling on the floor-but completely slumped on it-the tears were no more cascading; just following his every move, as Laila came inside the room all clad in an amazing attire Ummi's eyes couldn't come to understand the colour_for the eyes were blinded with tears.
"Mi Corazón, we're already late; let's get going." Ummi heard Laila's voice, but she wasn't sure if she was the one_for it sounded robotic.
She watched as Al-amin leaned in and pecked her lips, grazing his eyes all over her face-she didn't understand it, for the images were blurry. "Okay Mi Ciccino-we have to hurry and come back, I can't wait to start making my cuties with you, I hope they'll be here in the nine months to come." And she painfully watched as he placed his hand on Laila's flat tummy, and she giggled burying her head on his chest.
He chuckled outwardly and took her the bride's style, "I don't want my Ciccino to be tired before it already get started. Let me help Mi lady." He pecked her lips one more time before they walked out of the room with Laila in his hands. They all acted as if there wasn't a broken figure of a breathing woman that was scorched beyond mending in the room.
Ummi screamed, for she really saw the walls moving towards her, trying to crumble her up. She screamed higher and clutched her eyes shot, closing her ears with her palms, the tears she was sure have some traces of blood rolling down-soaking up her shirt. Would life be more hard? Could it have some remaining pain in it?
Everything in the room seemed to be moving to her ears. She heard the sound of something shattering, and when she looks at it-it was firm on its position. Is she going mad? She once heard the story of Laila-Majnun. In this case, she was the Majnun, and Al-amin the Laila. She envisaged some toddlers walking over to her with smiles on their lips, trying to hug her. Ummi screamed at the pitched of her voice and closed her eyes, palms on her ears.
"Innalillahi wa'inna ilaihir raji'un!" She screamed, when one among them slightly touched her arm. And that was when she realized what she was supposed to be saying, what she were to be monotoning-for in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts finds peace.
Innalillahi wa'inna ilaihir raji'un.
Innalillahi wa'inna ilaihir raji'un.
Innalillahi wa'inna ilaihir raji'un.
It took her more than the minutes she could ever imagine, before her mind starting reviving back into its senses. She started seeing things with a clear vision, she started hearing the sound of the tickling clock with a better earshot. With the sentence in her mouth, she stood up and walked to her room-directly slumping on her reading sofa.
Her diary was still where she left it yesterday, and it looked like forever. She took it and read the last peice she wrote, but surprisingly-a rueful smile graced her lips. For it no more pain her, the fact that he's married doesn't hurt a bit, what hurt more is him calling her whore. Al-amin saying she couldn't give birth. Al-amin looking at her in the eyes telling her Laila would bore him the coolness of his eyes.
Is this some type of a tale? Where is the promise of their buttercups? Their beautiful babies that would be their worlds? He isn't interested anymore? He doesn't want to have children with her? No! This was more like a movie. Al-amin would never be like this.
She burst into tears, when his voice resonated through her earlobes, as he uttered those words to her. Words that were capable of taking one's life. She needed to voice it out, and she started writing with her tears dripping on the paper.
I'm scouring and wandering
Within you, I couldn't find the person I knew
With each pierce look from you
It is monstrous that I have to look down
The marbled floor was more alluring than your face
I always wonder who exchanged your soul
For I'm sure there wasn't a soul in you
You are died without even noticing
Who would've torture the person he love?
Who would've scorch the person that loves him?
You look at her with the softness that was meant to be mine
I close my eyes as you place your hand on her
You weren't touching me,
But the proximity felt so surreal
The funny thing was I wasn't crying anymore
I would just stare as your mouth erupt the words you wish
The words you knew where enough to shake a mountain
But you're so inconsiderate that you utter them to my frail heart
The heart you knew was long shattered by you
Is this a façade or it's the real you?
Was I dreaming or it was a painful reality?
Would this pass or it would live on forever?
A part in me tells me it isn't a façade
A voice in me screamed it isn't a dream
A shrill in me shows I can't live to tolerate this anymore.
S
he couldn't muster the courage to write about the children part, for it sounded so foreign to her ears that she think even if she write the words down, they would jumble and stare at her with puzzled look, giving her the 'write again, it's a mistake' look. How she would trade the world, if this was all a dream? Only if wishes were horses.
How she wish Al-amin would enter her room, calling her name, 'Hey Arub! It isn't real, and would forever not be.' Is there still the genie that comes in dreams and ask for your three wishes? Was it Aladdin? How she wished he was true? Her wishes were many, but she would wish for all this to be a dream over and over again.
She placed down her book and went to her bed, her brain is so exhausted. Have you experience a feeling of being in so much pain, and what you just needed is sleep? For your eyes themselves are tired of crying-like the whoe body system needs a break from life.
***
She woke up with a slight headache, the sound of Sudais's voice coming from her phone was deafened by the sound of Ariana's voice from the downstairs living room. She hissed softly and went to the bathroom, it was already past Asr time. She prayed and felt her stomach grumbling in hunger-she didn't want to go out and break her heart even more broken than it is.
She mustered the remaining courage in her and left her room, she now has a veil wrapped loosely over her head. She met Al-amin sitted on a sofa-his eyes glued on something infront of him-squinting her paining eyes more; she realized it was Laila dancing to the beat, swivelling her hips-she looked like a hip hop dancer.
Ummi didn't know when a loud chortle escaped her lips, how would a normal person dance so bad like this? Did she think dancing is all about swaying butt and hips? Oh god! How she so much loves dancing, it makes her forget the dilemma she's in, for a second.
Seeing how their questioning gazes were on her made her sobered up, she was midway into the kitchen but a mind insisted that she should say what's in her mind. She turned and looked at them with a smirk playing on her lips.
"I've just realized there were monkeys trying to sway something they don't have, like hips and butts, how do you think they'll look like, Laila? Like a rotten tuwo da...oops, let me not be rude, Lily." She snickered, and entered the kitchen, leaving Laila with a frenzed and pained expression. She've avowed on never crying or showing her vulnerable side to Laila-she might've seen her crying in Al-amin's room, but that wouldn't let her think she can use any opportunity to make her cry. She have to shake the table always.
She gathered all those junky foods and walked out of the kitchen. She met Laila cuddled with Al-amin on their sofa_they were kissing eachother as if they were forced-Ummi slightly laughed at that, for she knew they were doing it to hurt her, what they didn't know is-she doesn't get hurt over something once and still be hurt again over the same thing! Let her pass on that please. The view beside her looked like a kissing scene she's watching on the TV, and you don't expect her to be jealous over that, would you?
"Good night there, Romeo and Juliet-Have a nice night, I pray for the cutie pies soon-for this kind of forceful kisses would surely bring out something fruitful." She walked to her room without even seeing their expression, she dumped the junkies on her bed and hopped on it with a loud thud. Today would be a reading night-else; she'll end up crying. Yes! Aysha is as weird as that.