Chapter 58: Chapter 58
He couldn’t look her in the eye while he felt like this as he no longer trusted himself and inwardly curse that he couldn’t even blame this on alcohol. TangShi avoided looking at him too, conflicted with her own shame as she pressed her hands to her cheeks in a bid to cool the flushed rise of heat.
“Okay.” Her voice was low, strained, and muffled and YuZhi hesitated at her tone, thinking he had upset her and that she might cry. He knew it might have wounded her and was aware for the first time that maybe she saw him more than a friend and it sucker punched him in the gut. He never considered things between them would get complicated like this and had been so assured that their closeness was platonic. Confident in their friendship and putting his affection for her down to liking her as a kid sister. He was wrong.
“Tang, wait.” He caught her impulsively, with a need to comfort her, by the elbow and tugged her back to him so he could see her face. Throwing thoughts aside with genuine concern he hurt her feelings and hated himself for doing it. Spinning her with a little strength because he was panicking and twirled her right into his embrace without meaning to.
She ended up with her palms splayed flat against his chest muscles, feeling out his thundering heartbeat, her nose level with his collar bone as she bumped into him with a tiny ‘ouch’ and fully embraced in his arms where both of their heart rates shot back up again.
A coming together of two bodies that hadn’t recovered, and it was easy to ignite the same sparks. His touch all these weeks which had seemed comforting and familiar was now electrifying and caused goosebumps.
“Sorry…. I.” YuZhi lost all his confidence when back this close and pushed her away by the shoulders abruptly to make her step back again. Forcing distance between them so he could breathe once more. Aware of the fact he couldn’t handle her proximity right now. He was awkward and nervous in crazy levels he had never experienced before and couldn’t get his emotions under control in the heat of the moment. “Yeah, let’s leave. It’s for the best if we …ummmm…… leave.” He had forgotten what else it was he meant to say and acted like her touch burned him. Mentally scolding himself and thinking tonight he might stay over at ZhengLi’s to give them both space. He needed his friend to give him a beating for this. He turned and headed for the driver door, motioning weirdly over his head for her to get in the car.
TangShi turned in a hurry, her own skin flaming and her mind melting with conflicted thoughts and feelings. She got into the passenger side while trying to avoid looking his way, her heart hammering through her chest and aware of how out of control her emotions were. Her bottom lip trembling because she now felt like crying and she had no idea why. She knew these past weeks she was starting to fall in love with him all over again, but this didn’t make her feel good at all. It felt wrong and like she just betrayed her friend.
YuZhi sat for a moment in stunned silence, staring straight ahead out of the windscreen without starting the engine, his own head swimming with reasons, excuses, and tried to separate his emotions from his thoughts. Glancing her way and seeing her pink cheeks spreading to her hairline, he had the urge to lean over and hug her to tell her this was all okay.
Only he knew it wasn’t. He shouldn’t. Rhea would never forgive him.
He gripped the steering wheel as a surge of regret hit him hard and he pictured her crying face that night at the club when she thought he kissed her back then. Twisting his insides and physically causing him pain at knowing he had just broken Rhea’s heart for real and would never be able to lie about it. Now he was an actual asshole who really did follow through and was still reeling from the taste of another woman’s lips on his. Rhea planted herself firmly in his head, giving him the urge to go see her and somehow try to fix this while he started the engine with a grim look of determination on his face.
TangShi could read his expression a little and sense his change in mood and felt utterly desolate. He was cutting her off and closing her out to resemble the cold and aloof man she met months ago, putting her back on the other side of the wall. Her own heart panging with pain because all this proved he didn’t want her that way and he regretted it. And then there was her own guilt and regret because she thought she was a better person than this who valued friendships. Rhea had always been good to her and trusted her not to cross this line. She never thought herself capable of being this girl.
“Let’s just forget it. It’s fine.” TangShi broke the silence with her sweet and feeble tone, an edge of something in there he couldn’t quite decipher, and he flinched. Feeling like a complete jerk for making her this way and fucking up everything of the last weeks with one stupid moment. He knew he crossed a line and initiated the kiss, but TangShi was doing what she always did when trouble arose. Blamed herself and took the full brunt of responsibility. Ingrained into her lack of self-esteem and worthlessness to always be the one people blamed. He hated that about her.
It enraged YuZhi, irritation coming up from somewhere in the pit of his stomach at hearing her words. Without thinking he spun towards her, dived forward and caught her chin in his hand to tug her to him so they were a foot apart and she blinked in wide eyed shock at his sudden hostile behavior. Silenced and intimidated by the coldness in his face.
“I kissed you. I’m the asshole here and you did nothing wrong. I don’t want to hear you say that again. This is my problem, not yours.” He scolded her, sat back, letting her go and deliberately banged his head against his headrest as he screwed up his face, closed his eyes and sighed heavily. Questioning his life. Looking pissed even though it made no sense to react like that and TangShi recoiled back to quietly watch him from her corner. Not sure what to do or say and carefully clipped on her seatbelt to focus on something to do. Nervous around him and this unpredictable behavior.
He opened his eyes and hit the start button a little hard, thrust his car into gear before clutching the back of her headrest to lever himself around to peer out of the rear window and reversed at speed. Making her nervous with this change in him, the lurch of speed and his crazy driving, and she shifted to face forward. Straight and stiff, focusing on the windshield and remained silent.
“I’ll take you home and stay with ZhengLi tonight. Maybe we should cool things between us for a while. Stick to the plan and make some new clinic appointments. Not hang out for a bit.” He was reverting to his bolt hole, hiding behind hostile and cold in a bid to put some reasonable distance back between them until he figured out what to do about this. He knew he couldn’t keep it from Rhea. Hating that he felt like shit for being this way to TangShi and knowing she didn’t deserve it over a kiss.
He was always someone who reversed away from complicated emotional mess faster than hell, like he had been doing with Rhea lately. Aware that made him an asshole but it was an ingrained instinct ever since his parents died. He had no idea how to navigate or handle it and was running scared. Confused at his own feelings.
“Okay.” TangShi mumbled, almost incoherently but he heard her, and it caused a sharp pain in his chest to hear her deflated and hurt. TangShi couldn’t understanding why he was being like this, but she couldn’t say anything about it. Looking down into her lap before sighing and focusing on the scenery to force herself to push tears away as they got out into traffic. She could feel the wall growing between them and wished this hadn’t happened at all.