Chapter 39: Chapter 39
He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but even before he found out she was Alice, he had started to get used to this situation and her presence. Started to see that she wasn’t some manipulative or spoiled god digger who coerced him to get what she wanted. She was almost a girl who tried to be invisible in her own life and avoided conflict with those around her so she could hide away in peace.
YuZhi had even begun to be thankful that TangShi had a quiet personality and was respectful and obedient when it came to his family. She didn’t cause him drama, and lately with all the arguing and tears from Rhea, coming home to her in the evening always felt peaceful. A relief. Even when they bickered and tried to get a rise out of each other. He knew he had mellowed towards her; he knew he wasn’t as hateful as before.
TangShi had a calming aura, a sweetness about her that told you she probably was a caring and loyal person if you gave her the chance. Maybe it was because she wasn’t someone who would hurt out of malice or be cruel intentionally that got him so pissed when he saw her bleeding all over the floor and enduring his aunt screaming abuse at her downturned head. In that moment she had looked exactly like that girl eight years ago when he had been drawn to her vulnerability.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He uttered, losing himself in thought while still turning over her delicate little hand in his and smoothed over the biggest band aid with his thumb as softly as he could. TangShi trembled at the alienness of how he touched her and shrugged, tensing all over.
“Tell you what?” She was confused by this. Wondering if he meant tell him that Aunt was horrendous to her at every opportunity. Surely he knew it. He’d seen it before today.
“Who you were….. that you were Alice.” He murmured it, looking up as he caught her head snap up, softly gasp, and she widened her eyes at him in shock. Her heart catapulting to her mouth because she had no memory of telling him she was. Her brain racked through the night before when she began to feel really drunk and cursed herself as a slight recollection came back to her. A memory of asking him about the bridge. Her face heated with embarrassment, and she hesitated before pulling her hands out of his and nervously touching her Band-Aids to cover her reaction.
“I didn’t think I had to tell you… I …. I just assumed it wasn’t important.” She stuttered, her heart pounding like a drum and her brain going haywire that they were actually talking about the one subject that could cut her to the core. She had avoided telling him for multiple reasons, but one was this exact awful confrontation. Her heart didn’t know how to cope with it.
ZhengLi perked up over in his quiet bubble, hearing his bestie finally broach the one topic he had been waiting on, and smiled like the Cheshire cat, leaning forward to hear better. Ready for some progress and trying hard to stay inconspicuous.
“Why Alice? It’s not your name? Why didn’t you ask me why I didn’t show up? Why not ask me if I remembered?” YuZhi spewed out the words in a manner that wasn’t his usual style as nerves seemed to invade him from nowhere and he found himself wringing his hands together before rubbing them on his thighs. Instant clammy skin and a tightness in his throat. Uptight in a flash and having palpitations for the first time in his life. He didn’t understand his own physical reaction to asking her these questions.
TangShi blinked at him, stupefied with the interrogation, and still reeling from the shock of him putting it out there between them.
“Alice is my …….” She sighed, grasping for the words to explain, fidgeting under his scrupulous focus on her face. “Linlin named me ‘Alice through the looking glass’ when we first became friends, because she felt it suited me. It was a silly nickname which stuck, and I used it for a while when I didn’t want people knowing I was from the Lei family. You know how that can be. Now it’s my artist pseudonym, Alice Lin. A nod to Linlin, the person who pushed and supported me to even start selling my art.” TangShi shrugged again, a habit borne of nerves and feeling hemmed in as her face blushed increasingly and she was sure she must be pink right up to her temples. Avoiding his eyes and biting on her lower lip and wishing he wasn’t this close to her when she was struggling to stay calm.
YuZhi mirrored her mannerisms subconsciously, biting his own lip and looking away for a moment.
“My father died. That night….. A car wreck. It’s why I didn’t show, and I didn’t know how to contact you. I Didn’t forget, I just didn’t recognize you. You’ve changed.” He blew out the breath he had been holding, finally engaged eye contact again and swallowed hard. “I Don’t even know why I’m explaining or bringing this up now, it’s just….. you made it clear who you were and it’s bothering me. We had no closure back then, I guess.” YuZhi, the normally cool, composed, and confident heir of the Leng family, was reduced to that teen boy who felt out of his comfort zone, weirdly angsty and couldn’t keep his focus on her. Maybe it was because the subject brought up old pain and regrets and unearthed long forgotten feelings. It was awkward for them both.
“I’m sorry about your father. I Didn’t know that’s how he passed, or when. I’m sorry. It makes sense that you left in a hurry and had your mind on other things. I was just a girl you didn’t really know.” TangShi didn’t know what else to say, and her words brought YuZhi to a halt, his gaze fixing on her as he stared at her blankly for what felt like an eternity. She couldn’t read him at all, and his emotions were masked completely.
He was looking for more of a reaction in her manner and eyes than what she was saying, a glimmer of residual something. He finally exhaled heavily seeing nothing and looked away, glimpsing over his shoulder to see his friend still listening intently with a wry smile on his annoying face. He shook his head at him, narrowed his eyes and turned back to TangShi.
“It’s the past, right? We were kids and many years have gone by. I’m sorry I stood you up. I regretted it for a long time, but……. Here and now, Rhea is the girl I will go back to. She’s my future. This changes nothing but I didn’t want to ignore it. I hope we can go on from here on in on a better footing and try to get along.”
His words were reasonable and expected yet they cut TangShi’s soul in a way she never expected. A slicing stab in her chest that made tears prick the back of her eyes and she smiled to hide it as she inhaled slowly and put on a brave face. She always knew Rhea was the end goal, and the thought of trying to be amicable was something to be happy about but it still stung. It was stupid and made no sense to her.
“I know that. And Rhea is my friend whom I want to see happy. I don’t want to keep fighting with you. I Don’t want to make her sad either. I just want to do what’s asked of me and then get on with my life when it’s over.” TangShi looked down at her hands timidly and subconsciously curled them up together, making her appear small and vulnerable with such a childish mannerism. Trying to ignore a huge bridge she would have to cross one day in giving up the baby she would give birth to for him. She didn’t want to face that yet.
“Right. So maybe we can start over. Try to be friends? I mean from here on in, we have to publicly date and be seen together a lot. It’ll be easier if we can get along.” YuZhi nodded, as though this was the perfect solution, and they were agreeing to leave eight years ago behind them. Agreeing to leave their weird war of the past two months on the floor to start anew. Watching her and ignoring hi own torn and confused emotions as they grew up inside like a tornado.
“We can try. I just want to get through this without being miserable.” She smiled weakly, for once not reaching her eyes when she blinked back up at him and her tone was tinted with an unmistakable sadness that cut YuZhi to the bone. He couldn’t deny it when it was right there in front of him.
It had never bothered him before if she was unhappy living here or how things were turning out, until now. He had brushed her aside, ignored her, been mean when he could and been the biggest source of teasing her and finding ways to make her upset, and he knew this. Finding out who she was had been like a slap in the face and made him see her in a new light entirely. He could no longer separate her form that vision of eight years ago, no matter how he tried, and he couldn’t be cruel to Alice.
“I’ll try harder.” YuZhi relented, sticking his hand out to solidify the deal.
TangShi stared at his tanned large palm for a few seconds before coyly sliding hers into it. He closed his fingers snugly around hers, being careful not hurt her wounds. They shook hands as though confirming a business deal, and even though that’s what this was and had started as, YuZhi lingered, holding her there. For some reason, now they had laid things out on the table, and he could no longer deny who she was, or what she had once been to him, he felt even more anxious. Like something was wrong about this whole thing and he didn’t know how to shake it off.