Chapter 32: Chapter 32

"Friedrich Nietzsche once said 'To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering' I never quite understood what that quote meant when I was younger but today as I stand before you that quote has never been clearer," I choked up on my words as I tried to collect my thoughts trying not to go too far off-topic and give myself a mental breakdown. Today wasn't the best of days mainly because it was Haley's funeral and no one was looking forward to this day especially me, just the thought of it made my guts twist uncomfortably.

If it weren't for Lila and Cole's great deception and lies this day wouldn't have happened I would most probably be in an insane asylum or jail for what I did but I got off with a warning and mandatory therapy sessions and community work thanks to Adam who pleaded on my part to the Judge since it was self-defence, I got off easy with having to pay a large sum to clear my name. Turns out it's pretty handy to have a friend in the police department as long as you know how to lie your way out of trouble.

"Life was never easy for Haley but she never gave up no matter what even if it took her a couple of weeks to get back up. She loved her family above all else even if she didn't show it or fought with us but in the end, she was always there for those that needed her even strangers, bottom line is Haley Glenn was an admirable woman who we should all aspire to be. I don't know how we're ever going to fully let you go because you will forever live in our hearts and your sacrifice to save your family was not in vain," I concluded my speech with tears running down my cheeks as I looked over at the casket where my sister lay.

It had been a rough couple of days ever since the incident, Cole was still pissed off at me for going bat shit crazy on Adam and nearly getting myself killed, Lila was still on crutches but loving the constant help from Adam like he was her butler turns out they had been childhood friends so he was constantly there for her whenever she needed him. Diana's dad of course filled a lawsuit against me after finding out what happened even though he didn't have money to do it but he was just in pain after losing both his daughters, I ended up buying him off using Haley's money since I wasn't well off myself I did, however, pay off some of his debts which he said was payment enough for everything and considered us even. I couldn't blame him for taking up the offer, he needed the money or he would end up bankrupt with nowhere to live and nothing to his name.

And I paid my debts off in a way, I accepted that I wasn't perfect no one was and I now knew that I should never make any rash decisions without actually logically thinking twice about it considering how it would affect those around me and I learned my lesson after all the mess I caused. What stung the most was that I could never fix Kyle. He was never quite the same ever since that day, he was quieter and clung to Tyler constantly. I robbed him of his innocence and for that, I'll never forgive myself.

Luckily for me, I had the rest of my life to make it up to him as Haley wrote on her will if anything happened to her I would be the legal guardian for Kyle. But his reluctance to come near me was the issue, I thought maybe giving him some time away from me would help but he still seemed on edge around me. He didn't stop crying throughout the funeral even at the end he just wailed and wailed no matter what anyone did to try and stop him from crying. Tyler ended up having to spend half the time in the car trying to calm him down, when the funeral ended I headed over to Tyler to see if I could assist in any way.

"Thank god he's tired himself out," he sighed when I stood outside the car

"I'm sorry about everything," I said shamefully

"No sweat you did what you had to do and unfortunately there were casualties but that's life you move on whether you want to or not," he looked down at the last part moving Kyle's hair to the side.

"I'm sorry," I apologized once more, unsure what else to say or do to make the lump in my throat stop growing.

"I get it you had your reasons doesn't mean you had to drag us into it," he sighed petting kyle on the head," But that doesn't mean I forgive you nor does he," he said looking me dead in the eyes

"I know," I sighed sadly looking down at my feet

"I guess this is goodbye then," he said getting up from the front seat carrying kyle

"Doesn't have to be you're always welcome to come to visit us," I said, taking Kyle into my arms gently not to stir him.

"Will do," he nodded tiredly by the bags under his eyes and his slouched shoulders

I watched him leave in silence gently rocking Kyle back and forth as I contemplated what awaited me next. I stayed longer at the graveyard than anyone else watching the graveyard diggers cover-up Haley's casket until the grave was covered. I cried silently staring at her grave feeling like I just lost half of my soul.

"Mama?" Kyle groggily asked rubbing his little eyes

"No love," I softly said gently rubbing his back, when he realised it was me he began crying again.

"I know shh," I cooed, rocking him back and forth. It took a couple of minutes before he calmed down to nothing but small sniffs occasionally now and then.

"Mama," he cried softly, hugging me tightly, my heart crumbling at that one word.

I didn't stay much longer as I headed back to my car where Cole, Lila and Adam were waiting for me.

"Hey," Cole greeted me first with a kiss on the forehead

"Hey," I tiredly said glad to see a welcoming face

"Feeling any better?" He asked softly, I shook my head slowly just feeling like I could drop dead any second.

"Here let me," he said taking Kyle from me

"Thanks," I smiled thankfully

"No worries that's what I'm here for," he said

"Excuse me lovebirds I was talking here," Lila butted in

"What?" I asked looking for anything to distract me before my mind wondered

"We should go have dinner together at my place catch up you know," she said

"Your place?" Cole asked with a raised brow

"Finders keepers losers weepers," she stuck her tongue out at him, Cole scowled not saying anything else.

"Well I'm down got nothing better to do," Adam agreed

"Aren't you a police officer?" Cole asked

"Only day shifts from now on," he proudly said

"Ok but we're going to have to pass on that one Kyle needs to rest and so do we," Cole answered

"Ya poor little guy," Adam said staring at Kyle

"Well whatever we'll see you guys another time then," Lila shrugged her shoulders

"Alright safe travels then," I said waving to them both

"You too," Adam waved back

"Later losers," Lila waved, nearly falling backwards as she hopped on one leg. I couldn't help but laugh at her little stumble before I got into the car.

"Time to go home," Cole sighed gladly in the front seat after buckling up Kyle in the back seat who was still out cold.

"Ya home time," I sighed, starting the car up and taking us home. The road wasn't that busy considering it was a Saturday and the sun was setting, I rolled down the windows letting some fresh air in hoping it would clear my head.

"Hay Hay?" Cole called me

"Huh?" I asked taking a glance at him

"It's going to be ok," he reassured squeezing my thigh

"And how would you know that?" I asked through gritted teeth trying so hard to keep the tears at bay and keep my emotions under control before I made a big accident.

"Because regression to the mean remember," he chuckled

"It's either going to get really bad or really good," I said remembering the meaning

"Exactly and we just got the worst so only rainbows and sunshine to come," he said joyfully, how he could master being so happy was incredible I envied his attribute to get over things easily.

"Don't jinx it," I scoffed with the corner of my lip raised

"Wouldn't dream of it," he chuckled, I felt slightly better after talking with Cole and with the fresh breeze cruising through the car my head felt clear for the first time in a long time.

By the time we got back to my apartment, the sun had already set so we just got 'take away' since neither of us was in the mood to cook or do anything productive. Pizza was the choice of the day so we had ordered two large pizzas, Cole practically ate one alone while Kyle and I ate the other. Kyle was feeling a little bit better after having something in his stomach but he was still quiet and was constantly clinging to Cole like glue, I wasn't sure what that was all about but I figured he just clung to anyone that wasn't me which made me feel slightly unloved by him but he had every reason to fear me after everything I put him through.

"Alright buddy take it easy," Cole chuckled when he wanted to change but Kyle was clinging to his arm,

"Kyle you heard him let go," I told him, I picked him up and for the first time he didn't trash or scream at me he just clung to me.

"Told you," Cole said when I looked at him in shock

"Oh wipe that smug look off your face," I smiled feeling like I was radiating light

"Me smug, never," he laughed unbuttoning his shirt, I gave him some privacy leaving the room with Kyle and headed to the kitchen. I left Kyle on the couch and put on his favourite show while I cleared the kitchen keeping one eye on him.

By the time Kyle was asleep and in bed Cole and I sat in the lounge with a blanket covering us, he had his arm around my waist while I had my head resting on his shoulder as we watched TV on low volume. Thanks to his consistency he got me a new tv as a present to cheer me up which worked wonders but I always felt like I somehow owed him now even though he said my smile was payment enough.

"Did you consider my offer yet?" He slowly asked me, while playing with my fingers.

He offered to move us to his home town in Marseille, it was quite far and a completely different environment than I was used to but maybe change would be nice. Living in Canada was great and all but I didn't want to live in the past for the rest of my life nor did I want that for kyle, if he wished to visit his mom he was always welcome to, so I did consider his offer a change of scenery sounds about right for us but that didn't make it any easier to leave the town you lived in since you were born and I was really sad to have to leave my family behind but most of all I was devastated to leave Randall behind. After his family discovered what happened to him they instinctively blamed me for everything, calling me the devil incarnated and I couldn't blame them. I just hoped they got some peace after they buried Randall, I know his sisters didn't blame me completely after what happened they were still in contact with me so we could just check up with each other now and then because according to them I was still a good person and they're brother loved me deeply which was good enough for them.

"Ya, and I think it's a great idea," I smiled kindly

"Really?" He asked in shock like he thought I was going to say no

"Of course just have to let Patrica and the court know the plan though," I said

"Duh of course but this is great news we should celebrate," he beamed, getting up abruptly heading to the kitchen to get the wine and two glasses. I laughed at his enthusiasm but couldn't help beam at what life could be like for us if we just took it slow.

"Wine milady," he said in a fake British accent

"Why thank you, good sir," I said clinking my glass with his

"Anything for you," he smiled, taking a sip of his wine with a content sigh, this was good taking it easy and just unwinding, new life, new country, what could go wrong.

***

"You suck," Lila cried like a baby when we were saying goodbye at the airport

"You suck too," I cried, hugging her tightly, not wanting to let go. These two years had been a complete roller coaster for the both of us and through it all, we had each other's backs well mostly but I was going to miss it here terribly.

"Thanks again for the place man I'm still not over it," Adam smiled giving Cole a bro hug.

"You're welcome," Cole smiled bashfully

Cole decided on giving his mansion up to be used by the government to be turned into a home for the homeless. It was a pretty big charity give away but I was so proud of him for that, he did the one thing he always wanted to do, help those in need and he did so he was very proud of himself too. I, on the other hand, sold Haley's mansion and company, saving the money for Kyle's education and helping us build a comfortable life in Marseille. Things were looking up a bit for us and I couldn't be happier that Kyle was looking at me for help once more, he wasn't the happiest to leave his friends but once we bribed him with taking Lido in from the pound he was so excited to move in with us. Since Haley had dogs already we couldn't take them all so we had to give them up to the pound, it was absolute agony to have to let them go like that but we couldn't handle three dogs when we're both going to be working and neither of us wanted that many dogs.

When I told Tyler our plan he said he was happy for us we all deserved a fresh start, I didn't even know he moved back to Phoenix Arizona where he was born but I could understand his need for new scenery. He came to say goodbye to Kyle promising he would call every day to say hello even though that was all lies but it made Kyle smile that's what mattered most, in all honesty, he wanted nothing to do with my family as he said for what happened to Haley but he was still going to keep in contact for Kyle and nothing else.

I ended up handing the pharmacy to Gary because I couldn't run it anymore for obvious reasons and James was fine with this decision so that was a free hassle all in one. Before we knew it two weeks passed and we had everything belonging to us packed away or shipped to Marseille, the only thing left was for us to leave and that was the hardest part. When saying goodbye to Haley once more broke my heart into millions of little pieces but this time Cole was there to pick them up and put them together again with the help of Kyle who was a very brave boy.

The second hardest thing was saying goodbye to Lila. She was such a baby it took her nearly ten minutes to let me go, as much as her persistence was annoying right that second it was everything I needed and more.

"I'm going to miss you too," I cried tears streaming down my face as I held Lila who was babbling on like an idiot cause I still owed her that favour.

"I'll miss you more," she cried attracting a lot of attention

"Ok wrap it up Lila or they're going to miss their flight," Adam smiled

"Bugger off," Lila cursed at Adam

"Don't say I didn't warn you," he playfully said raising his hands in surrender

"Come on, Bambi, time to go," Cole urged. I pulled away from Lila barely seeing anything because of the tears in my eyes.

"Bye," I waved to her, giving Adam a quick hug before Kyle waved to them enthusiastically wanting to go so he could play with Lido as soon as we landed.

"Later," she waved back

"Bye," Adam waved

And just like that, we watched our friends disappear as we entered the loading deck holding hands for support with Kyle in front of us looking up at us fondly. I was scared or petrified would be the right word to describe how I felt. For one I wasn't so great with heights and two because I was leaving almost everything I knew behind but it was also thrilling in a way since I've always wanted to travel around the world when I got over being homesick.

"Ready?" Cole asked staring at me with as much excitement as I had

"Born ready," I beamed heading into the plane together.

Life was in a nutshell unfair for every living individual, it threw things at you left and right and your success rate depending on how you handle stress and change. For me, I wasn't great with change never was and probably never will but I learned to adapt with the help of friends and family even when I felt all alone and lost there was always someone by my side and even though most of my family members are deceased I still had hope and I still had my father a man I never even knew but was willing to know.

And despite all odds I managed to survive a crazed lunatic getting her revenge for her sister, I managed to get the minimum sentence for my anger issues and against all odds I survived to make a life for myself along with my two favourite boys in the whole wide world. I didn't know what the world had in store for me but I was ready, bring on the worst life, I'm ready for you.

The end