Chapter 23: Chapter 23

I couldn't believe what was happening, just when things were levelling out this had to happen. Sure I was devastated that my ma was in the hospital fighting for her life but I was more pissed at whoever was in the sky laughing at my dismay, sure life was all about its ups and downs but recently my life consisted of mostly downs and when an up comes along its always at a cost. Haley and I stayed in our mother's hospital room the entire day just waiting for her to wake up but she never did and we spent the night there even though we were almost kicked out for Haley's violent behaviour towards the nurse who told us to leave.

You could never go anywhere with her, something always had to happen mainly involving her blowing a casket. It was clear neither of us slept because of the bags under our eyes and the constant yawning every few minutes but I was used to not sleeping much but Haley was my worry she had to take care of herself. The woman was like a brick wall, it would not move unless it chose to, it didn't matter what I said she would not go home still going off about someone targeting our family because our mother would never overdose on her pills and going off about the rhyme one's an incident two's a coincidence and three's a pattern. I just let her rant on without really listening because I was fed up with her crazy stories, of course, we still had to be careful because now the cops were sure Harvey didn't kill himself but that didn't mean a serial killer was going after my family specifically.

"I'm telling you this is real," Haley argued her point, Cole seemed interested in her theory.

"Then who do you suppose is next?" I asked just to entertain her crazy idea because I had nothing else to do and I was bored to death.

"You," she said, my eyebrows shot through the roof

"Me? Why the hell would anyone want to kill me?" I asked with a scrunched face, Haley and Cole both looked at me like did I seriously just ask that.

"Oh fuck off," I bitterly said giving them my middle finger

"I'll pray for you sister but that doesn't mean I'm going to miss you," she teased while holding a praying pose.

"You'd crumble without me," I told her

"True," she quickly said

"Same," Cole answered, speaking directly to Haley like I wasn't even in the room, the silent treatment was driving me over the walls but I managed to remain sane while we stayed with my ma who was still out cold.

"I reckon we play a little game," Haley suggested wickedly

"And what would that be?" Cole asked slouching on the chair he was given, he made sitting look so sexy it was unnerving.

"Two truths and one lie," she answered excitedly, "I'll start, so I have two kids, my favourite dessert is cheesecake and I'm allergic to bees," that was quite an easy one for me, she wasn't allergic to anything that I know only a good sense of humour.

"You have only one kid," Cole answered with a laidback expression like he got that in the bag, I couldn't help but smirk at his cockiness.

"Ah wrong I'm pregnant dumbass so that's two," Haley corrected, placing her hand on her slightly swollen stomach, Cole's eyes practically bulged out of their sockets.

"The fuck," he said staring at me for confirmation to which I gave a small nod, "Congrats man," he said still slightly shocked by the news for some odd reason.

"Do I look like one of your bros?" Haley asked with an attitude

"Sorry congratulations Haley," he corrected himself with a small smile.

"Thank you," Haley beamed proudly, I was happy for her truly I was but I was also jealous in a way she had her life figured out with one child and another on the way. It made me wonder if I could have that with Randall if I forgot about my silly crush on Cole except it wasn't all silly the feelings I had for him were unbelievable and unexplainable. Simply put, my feelings for him were like my feelings for spaghetti bolognese, I loved that dish and if I could I would eat it for the rest of my life but I couldn't because it wasn't good for me I had to have a balanced meal even if I didn't agree with the idea. My feelings for Cole would come dangerously close to the L word and I have imagined saying them to him on numerous occasions without his knowledge of course.

"What are you thinking about?" Haley brought me out of my daydream

"Nothing," I answered

"Doesn't look like nothing you've been staring into outer space for the past five minutes," Haley said

"It's nothing to worry about," I persisted, feeling Cole's eyes bore in my direction.

"If it's the mom you're worried about don't you know she's a fighter she'll be fine," she reassured

"Ya I know," I said with a sigh, staring at my unconscious mother on the hospital bed looking fragile as glass.

"Do you need a smoke then cause they do allow it outside?" She asked, making me curse under my breath, that big-mouthed sister of mine couldn't keep a secret unless her life depended on it. Cole looked at her before he turned his cold calculating eyes on me. It felt like an ice-cold bucket of water was dumped on me, his silence and tensed jaw was enough of an answer to show how truly disappointed he was in me. I never liked getting that disappointed look especially when I was a kid it made me hate myself and getting it from Cole was ten times worse simply put it was gut-wrenching. I couldn't say anything. Nothing I said could remove that look off his face, I was speechless and tension in the room was so suffocating I couldn't take it so I stood up abruptly and left without another word.

Goosebumps littered my arms as I walked outside into the chilly air, I felt disgusted in myself even if there was nothing wrong with smoking now and then but he had every right to be mad because when he first found me a couple of years back I was in the worst shape imaginable. When I smoked, drank or did drugs I didn't do it to relax or have fun no, I did it to die quicker and I nearly reached that stage. It was a pretty ordinary day when Cole came over for a surprise visit but didn't find anyone home or so he thought until he saw the slightly opened backdoor which he entered through, he found me passed out on the floor choking on my vomit the doctors said if he had been another minute late I would be six feet under.

Ever since that day, I promised him to never touch a single drug or cigarette ever again but I didn't necessarily have to uphold that promise since I was an adult now and could handle things a lot better than I did when I was a kid but I listened to him and tried to uphold that promise as much as possible because he saved my life and for that, I will forever owe him so to have broken one of my promises to him felt like I committed a heinous crime.

An exhausted sigh left my parted lips as I hugged myself leaning my head against the wall. Every little bad thing that happens my default response would be to either run away or be self-destructive. It was such a cowardly manner that I honestly felt bad for myself. I could change truly I could but in a way, I liked being disruptive deep down it turned the sucky person I felt I was into reality.

"Hey," I heard Cole say, coming to stand next to me as we stood against the wall with our arms touching.

"Are you talking to me now?" I asked with a dry scoff

"Ya, I figured the whole silent treatment thing isn't working," he said with a smirk

"Not in the slightest," I smiled sadly staring at the partially cloudy sky

"You know it can't happen right," he blankly said with a poker face

"Ya I know," But tell me why again? was the unanswered question running through my brain, it left me feeling like I was about to cry because yet again he was rejecting me. I should already be used to this after all I've been rejected almost my entire life but when it came to Cole the feeling was like rubbing salt over a fresh wound over and over but in this case, my heart was the wound and the salt was a hot sizzling katana blade he drove into my chest slowly inch by inch so the pain was magnified and lasted longer.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice distant due to the roar of my pulse through my ears like I just ran a marathon. He had nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who had to be sorry for once again compromising our relationship by telling him how I felt again. The first time I told him I liked him things were awkward between us for nearly two weeks before he called it quits and asked we never talk about it ever in fact pretend it never happened, It hurt me more than he could imagine but I agreed nevertheless because I thought that was best but now that history was repeating itself I was stumped I didn't want the same thing to happen again but the ball was already in motion and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"Come here Bambi," he gently said pulling me into his embrace which was the worst thing he could do because I felt bad for even telling him how I felt cause now he had to be the one to make me feel better.

"I hate you," I mumbled against his chest wanting to mean every word but I couldn't mean them no matter how hard I tried. This hug somehow felt like a goodbye hug which made me not want to let go. The heat from his body warmed me right up, he was like my very own furnace that didn't seem to have an off switch.

"No you don't," he laughed. I could feel the vibration of it through his shirt loving the sound and feeling it brought me. I hugged him tighter not wanting to let go, scared he might disappear into thin air once I let go because he did have a tendency to disappear for days on end when he didn't want to face a stressful situation.

"I- '' he cut off my sentence by placing his finger over my lips, silencing me completely.

"Save it for Randall he deserves it not me," he gently said, caressing my cheek lovingly, I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes and savouring this moment for the dark times ahead. I didn't deserve Randall's love and support and the fact that I still had feelings for Cole was proof enough.

When I opened my eyes Cole was staring at me with such an intensity it didn't just give me butterflies it gave me the whole damn zoo. I couldn't control my actions as I was driven by desire, I stood on my tiptoes slowly inching my face to his waiting for him to stop me anytime but he didn't instead he waited for my next move with bated breath. The sheer electrical buzz we shared at that moment was enough to light up Las Vegas for a month.

He pulled me closer by the waist, his fingers pressing into my skin hard trying to stop his wandering hands and burning desire, my hands snaked their way around his neck pulling him impossibly closer.

"Cole," I breathless said our lips a mere inch apart

"Mhm," he hummed, his eyes solely focused on my parted lips, a fire burned in my lower abdomen fueling my actions as I finally ended our torment and pressed my awaiting lips gently against his. The moment our lips touched a wave crashed over my mind leaving behind a strong buzzing sensation like I was drunk, my entire body burst into flames dangerously wanting more of the delicious electrical buzz that travelled throughout my body. The kiss started off slow and gentle then changed to a more hungry demanding kiss, I felt like I didn't even need air to breathe let alone feel Cole's hands digging painfully into my waist the pain only fueled my desire for him. It was like I was drowning in a sea of ecstasy which I didn't want to get out of but damn my lungs and their need for oxygen.

I pulled away breathlessly, my mind still foggy, Cole seemed to feel the same way by his dazed stare and heavy breathing. I was beyond ecstatic that I could have that effect on him let alone believe that we kissed.

"Wow," he whispered clearly, still out of it with a goofy smile, wow would be the exact word to describe what just happened, I was still feeling the effects of the kiss by the low fire in my abdomen. Once again Randall's face popped into my brain like an ice-cold bath putting out my fire, I was as bad as Liam who I cursed out of existence for being unfaithful to me now I was doing the same thing, god I was such a hypocrite.

"I'm sorry," I apologised for taking a step back trying to recollect my thoughts since being that close to him disrupted my thinking process.

"No, I should be sorry I gave you the wrong impression if anyone should be sorry it should be me," he argued

"Ya now's not the time to act all charming Cole," I quickly said feeling disgusted in myself, I had to talk to Randall let him know everything and he was most likely going to break up with me that very moment but I would deserve it.

"Right then I'll let you do you," he said with a small wave heading back inside like nothing just happened except it showed by the lipstick on his lips, untamed hair and pink cheeks. A small chuckle left my lips as I pulled out a cigarette hoping it would calm me down, my mind went round and round trying to find an easy way to tell Randall about my situation but nothing solid stuck it all ended with him somehow pulling out an uzi and let loose on me calling me a hypocrite, I had a very creative imagination.

But the more logical side of me knew he wasn't that outrageous and he was a reasonable man so he would most likely take it like a man or option be which would be him pulling out an uzi and setting me ablaze.