Chapter 20: Chapter 20

"Harley?" Lila called me

"Yes?" I asked staring at the tv

"Your phones ringing," Lila said

"Lila?" I called

"Ya?" She answered

"You know I have ears and not to mention eyes," I told her

"Just making sure," she shrugged her shoulders making me roll my eyes playfully as I checked who was blowing up my phone, no surprise it was Cole. He had been trying to call me for the past couple of days, constantly calling and sending text messages that I ignored, why should I suddenly pay attention to him when he ignored me like shit for the past two months that he's been gone. I had a lot on my mind, from work to figure out what to do with Sarah and Lila in my flat to organising Kyle's birthday since Haley was busy with a project overseas and she trusted only myself with her son's birthday party's.

Since Sarah moved in she vowed to never use drugs again and apologized every damn second for nearly trying to kill me, I did believe she wanted to change and I kept a close eye on her every move hoping she would keep her promise and not use drugs and she didn't. She stuck to the diet the doctor suggested and she was looking a lot better with a bit of meat on her bones, I didn't mind helping these two women truly I didn't but things were getting a little bit crowded in my place and I was putting off having to ask for help because I thought I could handle it but I couldn't because I was ready to slaughter the two women taking up my personal space.

I liked helping people as much as I could but get into my personal space. That's when I crossed the line. I couldn't get one second of peace without being asked 'Harley can I use this?', 'Harley what's for dinner?' or my personal favourite 'Harley when are you going to get a bigger place?', I will get a goddamn bigger place when I can afford it, Sarah, jeez she was so nosy about everything in my life and I was so close to throwing her out on the streets but I couldn't because I wasn't that type of person. Regrettably, I called Cole heading into the bedroom for some privacy only to find Sarah but naked applying lotion,

"For god's sake lock the door," I groaned turning around

"Calm down it's not like you don't have the same things," she brushed it off like seeing each other naked was a normal thing for her.

"Why me god," I groaned closing the door and heading outside for some fresh air and privacy

"Why you what?" Cole answered

"Nothing I only called for a favour so don't start bitching about forgiveness and shit got it," I told him

"Yes ma'am whatever you need name it and I'll do it," he eagerly said, the man changed emotions like a girl changes clothes.

"You place since you're not using it or barely ever use it I want to use it for my friends to stay in," I told him

"Like for free?" He asked

"Yes for free you moron they have nowhere else to stay," I angrily said

"Fine chill ok do whatever you want with the place if it makes you happy," he said

"Can I burn it?" I questioned seeing how far he truly wanted to go with his apology

"Sure just get my shit out first," he seriously said making me shake my head at his stupidity

"You're truly something Cole," I sighed

"Uh does that mean you forgive me, Hay Hay," he asked hopefully I could practically hear his tail wagging,

"Don't Hay Hay me you jerk you ignore me for days without a proper reason and now you expect me to forgive you like some naive girl," I angrily said, I wasn't supposed to say that but it just came out he hurt me by doing that because I thought I could rely on him for anything.

"I know but you know how I get without my stash," he agitatedly said making me confused

"What?" I asked

"Ya my ma died and her last request was for me to quit wasting my life away and settle down and build a future for myself," he tiredly said, my heart ached for him. I knew how much he loved his mother and to hear this broke me.

"I'm sorry," I said wishing he were here so I could hold him in his darkest hour

"I could use one of your magic hugs right about now," he chuckled slightly, clearly holding some emotions down by the stutter at the end of his sentence.

"Virtual hug then," I sadly said

"Virtual hug," he said with a sigh, "I miss you, Harley," he sounded down and the way he said my name sent shivers up my spine.

"I miss you too," I slowly said, feeling my heart being tugged from left to right by the mere thought of Cole and Randall.

"Sorry I had to extend my stay it's just my dad needs me right now," he sighed

"No worries take care of him alright," I lowly said, biting my lip as I felt like I was betraying Randall by even talking to Cole with such openness.

"I hope you've been taking care of yourself?" He asked

"I have kept my promise just things are a little out of control at the moment," I said

"What's up?" He asked worriedly

"Tell you when you get back," I said

"Alright, Talk later then?" He asked

"Later then," I said

"Later," he said and hung up

"Love you," I quietly whispered with a sigh looking up at the starry sky.

I could never say that to him in person so the beautiful sky will have to carry my message for me because I sure didn't have the guts to do it. I felt torn between my feelings for Randall and the old feelings I had for Cole that were resurfacing without my permission, it was like my heart decided to release those feelings tenfold. I stood in the night air for some time with the wind nipping at my exposed skin but I didn't mind it, my mind was filled with question after question to care about a small breeze. I honestly didn't know what to do on one hand Randall was the safe clever option who I could build a stable future with while, on the other hand, Cole was unpredictable sure he was spontaneous, good looking and made my heart fly out the window with one look but he wasn't the type to settle down and I couldn't wait for him forever to get his act together which might be too late who knows if he even wants kids but with Randall, he's clear about his intention he's here for the long howl and that's what I was looking for.

I was so glad to see my sister calling me, I was thankful for any sort of distraction.

"Hey, baby mama what's up?" I asked, leaning against my car like I was on tv.

"Harvey died," she said, distressed like somehow I'm supposed to drop everything and head to her aid when I didn't even know who this Harvey she was talking about.

"You mean the singer?" I asked not remembering seeing anything on the news about the singer dying.

"No you moron our brother?" I laughed out loud because this had to be some joke. After all, we didn't have a brother.

"Brother? What kind of joke are you trying to pull?" I asked

"Harvey Glenn stupid didn't mom tell you?" She asked

"Tell me what?" I asked annoyed

"Oh god she didn't damn her, ok long story short we were triplets and dad took Harvey when he was born and mom raised us," she quickly explained, my jar went through the floor as my world expanded.

"And you're only telling me this now?" I was outraged at the nerve of my sister. It sometimes made me want to strangle her.

"Oops forgot, I thought you knew," she nonchalantly said like this was something she forgot on the shopping list, not a damn human being that was supposedly my brother. I was angry but most of all I was hurt deeply to the extent of smashing my phone on the ground, sliding to the ground and crying my heart out. Things could never stay neutral in my life. It had to either go bad from out of the blue.

"I can already hear the wheels turning in your head don't get angry just get over it and get to the sad part because he's dead and you never got to meet him," she said, I was already at the sad part

"Fuck you," I angrily said my heart beating out of control

"What did I just say don't get angry and you can't freaking blame me I barely knew the guy," she said

"I didn't even fucking know he existed," I angrily shouted

"Oh put a sock in it you saw that picture of three babies in mom's place yet you never asked so blame no one but yourself," she said

"I wanna kill you," I angrily said

"Get in line sweetheart so does the rest of the world, now are you done throwing a tantrum so we can talk like two adults?" She asked

"Fine," I answered through gritted teeth

"Great, apparently he committed suicide last night," she said

"Ok so he had a troubled life and so does the rest of the world," I may have sounded insensitive but it was true and I couldn't feel remorseful because I didn't know the guy.

"God give me strength," she muttered under her breath," Harvey would never kill himself he had a kid on the way and his life was going well," she explained making my eyes widen

"So you think someone killed him?" I asked

"I know someone killed him but I just don't know who," she answered

"So that's why you called me, you want to play detective don't you?" I asked

"Pretty much poor Sue is devastated I just want to bring her peace of mind is all," she said

"Sue?" I asked

"His wife you moron keep up would you," she annoyedly said

"Fine, how did he supposedly commit suicide anyway?" I asked

"Slit his wrists pretty old fashioned if you ask me," she said

"Shit and Sue must be the person who found him," I gasped feeling terrible for the widow.

"Exactly she's staying in my guest room at the moment but won't get out to eat or do anything poor woman had been stuck in there the entire day," she said with a sad sigh

"Shame," I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Ya, so you in or what?" She asked hopefully

"Ya I'm in," I answered

"Good I'll come to pick you up tomorrow then or you can come over later," she said

"Uh ok see you later then," I said

"K bye," she said and hung up, I sighed, pulling out my packet of cigarettes and lighter. These couple of weeks have been so stressful I resorted to smoking just to keep myself sane even though I promised I would never smoke again but I couldn't help myself, not even Cole knew I was smoking he would kill me if he found out. I promised him I would never put that cancer stick anywhere near my lips even if the world was ending but I guess that's just another promise that I broke. I honestly started on a good streak for the first two months he was gone but this third one I just slipped and ended up not wanting to get back up again.

I barely ate and when I did it was mostly from fast-food restaurants or leftovers, I barely looked after myself one could even say I resembled the walking dead. If you didn't find me at work I'd be at a bar because you were sure as hell weren't going to find me at home before midnight, it was clear to any sane person that I was spiralling out of control but I didn't want to stop because it was the only routine that kept me afloat at work and home. I could barely get a breather at home so that's why I went out so often.

Randall was my saving grace, he didn't give me grief when I lashed out or got out of control or when I had random breakdowns he just stayed with me and was just there for me. How I kept doubting his love for me was unfair because he didn't show me any hostility, there were no red flags nor any signs showing he was a serial killer or crazy person he was my ideal guy yet I was still in love with a man who was intoxicated almost twenty-four seven. My heart worked in mysterious ways after all 'The heart wants what it wants even that which is worst for it' and I knew deep down what my heart desired most even if I didn't want to accept it.

Once my cigarette was finished I headed inside with a heavy heart.

"What took you so long?" Lila asked she was currently cutting her toenails on my coffee table like she was a caveman, I so badly wanted to bash her skull into the table for putting her stinky feet on the table but I didn't I simply sighed and bubbled down my anger muttering the chant that has helped me in more ways than I could count. I always chanted the word Calm imagining each letter stood for a word that calmed me in a way.

C stood for Cole

A stood for Annalise Keating who was a badass and I aspired to be as crafty as her

L stood for Lido, which was Randall's dog, thinking about his cute face would calm any raging bull.

M Stood for Martini, my favourite drink that just made me thirsty for it whenever it crossed my mind.

Thank you, Alba Villanueva, for that little trick you sure saved me from lots of breakdowns and lash outs.

"I was talking to Cole," I said, resisting the urge to smack her foot off the table, my eye practically twitching from the rage within me.

"Oh, you guys fix things?" She asked sticking her tongue out as she tried to cut her big toenail that was a little brown, that was my last straw.

"Feet of the damn table you caveman," I annoyedly said through gritted teeth kicking her foot off the table.

"Ouch, what's your problem man?" She angrily yelled since she hit her heel pretty hard on the tiles.

"Your stinky feet are,'' I answered heading into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Once that was done I changed clothes and freshened up since I had a dinner date with Randall. He said he had something important to ask me which I already knew what the question was but I've been prolonging that conversation for as long as I could because I couldn't say yes when my heart wasn't a hundred per cent into it. I was a terrible person for doing this to Randall when he only deserved the best and nothing else, in a way I was toying with his feelings which was unfair and cruel. It was clear what I had to do but that didn't make it any less easy.