Chapter 36: Chapter 36

S A V A N N A H

I NEVER THOUGHT that there would come a time when I would need to thaw my mother out of a statuesque cast of ice.

I never thought that it would be because of my father, either. But I figured that now was the time to get used to the strangeness and idiocy —myself partially included —that ran through my family.

“I can’t believe you’ve done this,” I breathed circling the frozen Phoebe.

“Really?” Søren piped up. “You didn’t see this coming?”

Of course I had anticipated this. I was not so naïve to believe that a single conversation could smoothen years of wear and tear.

But I was not going to admit it. “Not now, Søren,” I hissed.

“It was an accident,” Hades informed me. “She said something insulting and I flew off the handle,” he confessed, glaring at nothing.

“You need to learn how to control your temper,” I sighed. “If you keep flying off the handle, you might end up doing a lot more damage than just freezing someone,” I said earnestly.

Hades shuffled from foot to foot.

“So, about unfreezing her,” I reluctantly changed the subject, “am I just supposed to put my hand on her and hope for the best?”

“I usually wait for time to run its course, and allow it to thaw. Melting someone free has never been tried before,” Hades admitted.

My expression did not change. “…Hoping for the best it is.”

I looked down at my palm and willed heat to form there. To my relief my hands then warmed; a dim glow emitting from them.

I stood in front of my mother in her shocked frozen state and thought of the best place to concentrate the heat.

I reached past her outstretched arms and placed my hand on her chest, figuring that going with the heart was the best bet. Steam then quickly rose at the contact, assuring me that it was likely working.

“Hey,” Søren frowned, unwittingly reviving the conversation, “What exactly did Savannah’s Mom say anyway?”

“Yeah,” I added, turning to face Hades, “I want to know too.”

Hades lidded his eyes and sighed deeply. Then a rose blush coloured his cheeks and my eyes widened in surprise. He coughed and turned away slightly, but it was too late —we had already seen.

Hades was blushing.

“Woah, I didn’t think that someone who gravely embodies cold and disillusionment could do that,” Søren whispered, mesmerised.

“What? Blush?” I murmured. “What a development.”

I smirked as Hades started and looked directly at me, alarmingly mortified.

“I was not blushing,” he shakily assured us, straightening his waistcoat. “I just…I was just recalling what your mother had said and my face suddenly warmed up for some reason.”

He then frowned as though he was aware that he was simply trying to convince himself as well.

I snorted. “Regardless, what did my Mom say to make the almighty stony-faced Lord of darkness embarrassed?”

“Mind you, I am not embarrassed either,” Hades snarled. “What Phoebe said was…hurtful, that is all.”

“Which is…?” I prompted, turning back to face my mother to check on the progress. Her chest was almost completely thawed, so I moved my hand a little lower to focus on her lower half. I turned back to look at Hades when he did not respond to me. “What did she say?” I reiterated.

He hesitated, and the blush came back. He hung his head and did not say anything for a few seconds.

Søren and I shared an uncertain look.

I did not want to laugh and tease him this time. This time I noticed a thin film of silver in his eyes. I shook my head as I then softened. “…Dad, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to —”

“She asked me why I came back,” he cut me off, before looking up with a hard, passive aggressive expression. I immediately shut up and stared at him semi attentively. “I stupidly told her truth. I had learned that The Book of Treaties had been taken and that Horkos was coming for us, so I came to check on you. I tried to apologise for not giving her notice, but she would not hear it. She kept saying that I should have considered other people’s feelings and wants, like I was unaware of the implications of my visits. And so, I called her a hypocrite.”

“But what was the shocking insult?”

Hades hesitated again. “…She called me a cold, malevolent, unfeeling and selfish bastard,” he finally answered. “And she said that none of this would be happening if we had never met. She said that directly to my face —that she regretted it…all.”

My blood halted. I flinched away from my mother, before cradling my hand to my chest. I blinked rapidly, running Hades’ words through my head. One sentence stood out. She regretted it all.

So…she regretted me?

“Savannah?” Søren murmured, reaching to put a hand on my shoulder.

“No,” I whispered, turning away. I had not mean to be harsh, but I did not want pity or sympathetic affection. I looked at Hades, who was looking back at me expectantly. “…She regrets everything?” I deadpanned. Then I bit my trembling lip. “Good…good to know.”

Hades frowned in confusion before his eyes widened in realisation. “I am sure that she does not mean that she regrets you, Savannah. You know her. She wouldn’t —” he said quickly.

“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter,” I rasped, making him stop short. “…It’s not as if you can vouch for her right now,” I pointed out, reminding him that she was still frozen. “It does not matter what you think or hope that she meant. Only she knows.”

I turned to go back into the house.

“Savannah, wait,” Hades tried again. “We should talk about this.”

I looked at my mother and then back at him. “…Seeing how this recent discussion worked out, I don’t think that I want to do that right now,” I told him. “I just…I need to think. Alone.”

I purposefully marched towards the front door.

“Hold on,” Søren spoke up, making me pause again.

I turned to him and gave him a weary smile. “You were right, about before. It was a terrible idea.”

✠

I cried for ten minutes.

I was not sure if that was adequate or too long for what it was worth. I probably should not have cried at all, but I could not help it. I was being dramatic, but it felt like everything had just shattered in front of me.

I was hoping that seeing Phoebe would heal something.

It had worked at first.

“You are the best thing that ever happened to me…”

“…I regretted it all.”

Then it ended up stabbing me in the back. Which one did she truly mean? I screamed into my hands and aggressively ran my fingers through my hair, becoming increasingly frustrated.

But despite not knowing what my mother felt, I reached the conclusion that maybe if I had been in her shoes, I possibly would have regretted the situation too. It was just that without that, no matter what she would try to tell me, one thing could not be ignored.

I would not exist.

“…Savannah,” a quiet voice said from the doorway. I looked up after wiping my face. Søren offered me a sympathetic smile.

I turned away and hugged my knees to my chest.

“Please don’t push us away,” he continued, coming to sit next to me on the floor. “We’re trying to help and be there for you and it doesn’t help if you’re being stubborn.”

I slowly looked up at him. I did not have anything to say. So, he took it as invitation to carry on.

“Parents do stupid things all the time. They will say things they don’t mean and flare up —but more often than not their care and love don’t just go away. Unplanned things will always hold some form of guilt and regret. But…your mother stayed, didn’t she? She had you, and raised you, through thick and thin. She never abandoned you.”

“Are you trying to tell me that actions speak louder than words?”

“Yes,” he admitted. “Think about it this way. Would you really believe the words ‘I love you’ coming from a psychopathic abuser?”

“Well, no.”

“Then you can’t believe that someone hates you when they clearly show that they love you,” he concluded. “Actions say a lot more. And when they don’t quite match up with words, they speak louder.”

I sniffed and stared at him in intrigue. That sounded so profound and wise. “Don’t be too hard on your Mom,” the Reaper then murmured. “I mean, she did give birth to and raise a half Greek god.”

I chuckled along weakly and nodded a little, feeling a little less burdened. “Thanks, Søren,” I whispered. “I needed that.”

“You’re welcome.”

“How are you so good at this?” I smirked. “Knowing what to say?”

“It comes with age,” he boasted, sighing as though it were a tragedy. “I have a lot of wisdom,” he quipped, tapping the side of his head. I immediately regretted thinking he had sounded wise and consequently cringed.

I laughed and shoved him playfully. “As if!”

“No, I’m serious,” he insisted, shoving me back.

“Whatever,” I chuckled, shaking my head. Then I paused, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. I leaned over and suddenly enveloped him in a hug. “…Thank you,” I mumbled.

He stiffened, before he surprised me by putting his arms around me in return. “You already said that.”

“I am saying it again,” I defended myself.

“I didn’t say I minded.”

I did not have Luca anymore, but Søren was coming close to becoming a best friend. It could have been the influence of having him as a Trainer, but he knew how handle difficult situations. He knew how to handle me. There were few people in existence who knew how to do that.

What he had done since we had arrived —it was borderline romantic, but I saw it in another light. That we could be friends, and that would be what we both needed. I withdrew from the hug and got up before stretching my arms above my head. “I should get back to Hades.”

“Yeah. He’s worried.”

I tilted my head to the side. “Interesting.”

Then I marched to the door and took several deep breaths. I hurriedly wiped my face as I came into Hades’ view and made for Phoebe.

“…Are you okay?” the god murmured.

I pressed my lips into a line and concentrated on thawing out the ice. “I don’t know how to answer that. And I still don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I snapped, turning to shoot him a glare.

“All right, all right,” he surrendered, holding his hands up.

I paused, not wanting to come across as spoiled. “…I will be fine with a little time. And no offence, but I don’t think you would get it,” I added, managing to crack a slight smile.

“I…I do get it actually,” he murmured, raising an eyebrow. “You might not think so, but I do. You just looked so upset, so naturally I thought that I would ask how you were.”

I smiled genuinely at that. “Nice fatherly instincts,” I told him. “It’s also nice to see that you still have those.”

“Very funny,” Hades huffed.

I shook my head and went back to melting Phoebe. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Søren looking out at the front yard from the window.

“Savannah, what is up with you and that boy?” Hades asked, suddenly standing next to me. I looked up at him.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “He’s my Trainer. And a friend. A good friend. And that is all that I need right now.”

Hades nodded encouragingly. “That is quite mature of you,” he noted. “I am glad that the Aaron disaster brought something useful to the table.”

“We are not going to talk about him either,” I said firmly.

“I know, I know —it is still a touchy subject,” Hades said quickly. “But…you should talk to your Mom when she is thawed.”

I stiffened involuntarily.

I knew that he was right. And even though Søren had comforted me, it did not make the feelings disappear. The anger was still bubbling up, and I found myself grinding my teeth together in frustration.

“Savannah, you are a little distracted,” Hades sighed. “You might end up accidentally setting your mother on fire if you are this unfocused,” he warned. Then he paused. “I was…wrong, by the way. Your fire manipulation skills are going to be very powerful —the flames are white. I hope at least that makes you feel better.”

It did not.

I looked down at my hands. I gasped. White flames were flickering at my fingertips, and they grew larger before I made the effort to stop snarling. Hades was right. I nodded and walked to the side of the driveway to the low laying brick wall. I jumped up and sat there, inhaling and exhaling deeply but shakily. I looked down at my arms. My veins were still glowing, and I felt hotter than before. I sighed and hung my head in shame. There I was lecturing my father about controlling his emotions, while I could have inflicted worse damage due to the lack of controlling my own. I clenched my fists and squeezed my eyes shut.

“I hope that you’re not still crying,” Søren’s voice suddenly quipped.

I started and nearly fell off the wall. Then I opened my eyes and blinked stupidly. He sat down next to me as I shifted and sat more securely.

I did not say anything.

“I don’t think that your mother meant to make you cry. I don’t even think that she meant what she said.”

“I know,” I responded. “I know that she didn’t mean it that way. But I can’t help feeling the way I’ve felt for a long time without realising it,” I admitted. It hurt to say those words out loud. “…I was thinking about what you said, and I realised something.”

“What?”

I turned to face him. “What if we don’t survive?” I whispered. “What if…what if we don’t get a chance to live after all of this, because…”

I could not complete the sentence.

“Because we’ll die,” he finished for me.

I stared at him. “How can you say that so casually?” I asked.

“It’s an occupational hazard.”

I lidded my eyes.

“What, can’t I make that joke?”

I shook my head.

Søren sighed and glanced at Hades, who was sitting cross legged on the grass next to the frozen statue of my mother. He was talking, seemingly outwardly to himself, but I saw in the quiet sadness in his smile and darkened eyes that it was as if he was talking with her.

“I’m afraid of being alone,” I suddenly whispered.

Søren turned back to me with a look of surprise. His lips parted like he was going to respond, but then he hesitated. I drew a sharp breath as he remained silent; leaving me feeling a little stupid.

“It’s…okay,” he murmured. “I don’t think that anyone truly wants to be all alone. At least not forever. And it’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to talk about it. And you know sometimes…I grow fearful too. After what happened with Angelina and Melchior, I got paranoid that I would be doomed to remain alone.”

He tried to laugh it off at the end, but I could hear the pain in his voice, in his tone. It made me feel awful.

“Søren, you don’t have to downplay it,” I said gently. “As you said —it’s okay to feel that way. It doesn’t make you pathetic or needy. It makes you…human. You know what I mean?”

Søren paused before he frowned thoughtfully. “You know what? I do know what you mean,” he murmured. “I understand. Maybe in the future things will be different —better. But I suppose that we will just have to wait until we get there.”

I smiled, glancing up at the sky. “I guess so.”