Chapter 53: Chapter 53

LIII

A sudden turn of the car brings me out of my daze. Axel pulls from the road into his driveway and kills the engine, turning to me with his whole torso. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me but I couldn't fucking stand him accusing me for another fucking second. I hate him so fucking much and I'm so sorry you had to see me like that, please just talk to me." he pleads me, his hands gripping mine.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out, so I close it. Axel squeezes his eyes shut and leans his head on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, I hate him, I really fucking hate him."

"What was that about?" I finally manage to choke out, my voice completely devoid of any emotion. "What- What did you do?"

His head leaves my shoulder and falls down in shame, his hands still clinging to me.

And then he says it. He says it and confirms all my worst fears.

"I killed my parents."

His voice is a sob, choked out, like he doesn't want that sentence to exist. I find myself gasping for breath and I need to go away, I need to go away from all of this fucked-upness. Trembing hands start to reach for the car lock, opening the car doors, I stumble out of the car. His yells follow me, but I don't listen to him.

I can't listen to him. Gasping and sobbing through tears and my shock, I manage to get to his doors and open it, stumbling inside. "You promised! You promised you would let me explain!" he screams and turns me to him, stopping me from walking further.

"What can you possibly do to explain that?!" I shout back and rip his arms away. "How could you possibly do that?!"

And with that, he's on the floor, a beautiful mess, caught in a tangle of his lies and crimes. He's sobbing and it's painful to watch, every tear heavier than the one before. "It was an accident!" he chokes out, his arms wrapping around his legs. "I fucking loved my mum! Yes, dad, I hated him, but I still wouldn't kill him! And of course I wouldn't fucking kill my mum! It was all just the shittiest fucking turn of events and I live with that fucking guilt! And I want to fucking live with it because I deserve it!" He is completely broken down, his hard and unbreakable wall destroyed, revealing the truest self to me. "I was a fucking idiot to not tell them that the fucking brakes didn't work, I was a pussy, but that doesn't mean that I wanted to kill them! If I knew they were gonna go in that fucking car I would stop them!"

I fall to the floor with him, I can't stand to see him like that for another second. I wrap my arms around his as hard as I can and he clings to me with all his might. We're both crying, as he continues to break apart in front of me.

"I fucking miss them so much. If only I wasn't such a goddamned idiot they would still be here."

"Axel, what are you talking about? Why didn't the brakes work?" I ask and he starts to shake his head.

"Because I cut them, I cut the wires so that they wouldn't work and ruin the plan." he says, his head buried in my neck.

"Which plan? Who was supposed to be in that car? Who did you want to kill, Axel?" I ask, preparing for the answer.

"Me, it was supposed to kill me." he explains and cold shivers spread through my entire body.

He continues to explain. "I knew that I would want to bitch out the last fucking moment and I didn't want that, I wanted it all to be over with so I cut the brakes so that I wouldn't be able to change my mind."

He sobs, his entire body shaking. "We had this little cottage that we went to at the weekends, and by that fucking cottage, just a few meters down the road, there was this bridge and you had to use brakes if you didn't want to drive into the river because of the sharp turn." He gulps. "I had everything done, I was just up in my room, finishing the letter in which I explained that I did it by choice and apologized to my mother, when I heard the car start."

He was silent for a few moments. "I didn't have the time to stop them, to stop them from going in that fucking car, I just saw them sit in it and screamed for them to not do it, but they were arguing and didn't hear me."

He wasn't that hysteric anymore, there were just tears flowing out if his eyes.

"They only found dad in the car, the door on mum's side was opened, which means that her body fell out of the car. There was no way she could survive that fall, but they never found her body, just dad's."

He wipes his tears with the back of his hand. "The judge decided I was not guilty, but maybe I should've been punished. If I warned them, it would all be okay, if only I wasn't such a pussy."

I have no idea what to say. The need to comfort him is suffocating me, but I can't seem to find the right words, so I just hold him to me, as if I could hold the pieces of his damaged soul together with my hands.

We stay like this for a while, neither saying anything, as the sun goes down. The wind blows and closes the doors, giving us more privacy. In the silence, Axel's whisper echoes to my ears.

"You're gonna leave me, right?" he states, like it's not even a question in his head anymore.

I begin to furiously shake my head. "No, of course not, what are you talking about?"

He sniffles. "Why not? I'd leave me if I were you. I wouldn't want the piece of shit that I am to cling on to me everywhere I go."

I frown and lift his head up to look at him. "When are you going to stop with your damned doubts? I love you Axel, I'm not leaving you."

His expression doesn't change. "I don't understand." he whispers and I lean to him and kiss his tears away, tasting the saltness, before leaning my forehead on his.

It's ironic how our roles are changed, everything about him seems harsh, tough and unbreakable, when everything about me seems the exact opposite. Yet, here right now, I was the one holding him together, and I was in love with the power of being able to help him, heal him.

"It wasn't your fault." I whisper to him. "I don't understand why you wanted to do that."

He shrugged. "I thought that life wasn't for me. It was a selfish thought, and it cost me a lot."

"Don't you ever think like that again." I demand from him.

He chuckles. "I can't help it. However, I'm never trying to do anything like that again, I don't want it to repeat."

I sigh, thankful for the little piece of mind that he has.

"Axel, promise me. I couldn't live if you died. Promise me that you won't try that again." I beg him and clench his hands in mine.

He gulps. "I promise." he says and an enormous wave of relief washes over me. "Thank you." he whispers, his eyes closed.

"What are you thanking me for?"

"For loving me." he replies and I join our mouth, tasting his lips for a moment.

"I can't really help it. It's like an instinct to me. Even if I didn't want to, I'd still love you." I tell him, every word complete truth.

"I'm really fucking grateful for that." he admits and chuckles, finally opening his eyes. His thumbs reach up and wipe away my tears, before standing up and pulling me up with him in his arms, bridal style.

I laugh and throw my arms around his neck while he carries me up to the bedroom and puts me on his bed.

"You're sleeping here tonight." he says, and I don't even try to argue.

"Now, I'd like to make love you till I collapse-" he says, tucking my hair behind my ear and I laugh and blush, "but I know that you're not ready and that you, you know, are leaking."

I groan and cover my face with my hands, which he pries away, a grin on his face.

"What? We have to be able to talk about periods, how the uterus starts to-"

"Oh my god, Axel, shut up!" I squeal and swat his arm, making him laugh.

"I'm gonna go shower, okay? Unless you wanna join, save the water and the planet, you know."

"Not happening." I shake my head and he pouts, leaning over to peck my lips, before going to the bathroom. When he leaves, I exhale, and for a brief moment, the realization of how much I've grown to love him hits me and shakes me to the core.