Chapter 44: Chapter 44

Yuren Jie stood before the temple’s gates with a heart full of pride.

At long last, he had made it to the top of Beast Mountain. The great jade gates of the entrance stood with the majesty of the heavens themselves. A great stairway of stone awaited him beyond it, alongside great buildings as old as time itself.

This. This was where Yuren would complete his formation and ascend to greatness.

Yuren Jie wasn’t special among would-be cultivators. He was simply young, handsome, incredibly talented, phenomenally lucky–hard work was for those who weren’t born winners, after all–and most importantly of all, about as modest as a peacock on a strut. He was a magnet for beautiful women, though of course, he remained above the influence. Girls led to romance, romance led drama, and drama led to work.

And real work was beneath Yuren, like the earth crawled beneath the sky.

No other sect was worthy of being graced with his immense talent. The Golden Order Sect had produced the greatest and most powerful cultivators in all of the Thousand Story Realms. He would soon put them all to shame.

And so, it was with great pride that he stepped inside the temple. He immediately sensed a warm power flow over him like water on a smooth rock; an energy filling his body with serenity and energy. It was as if all his exhaustion and doubts vanished in an instant.

He found himself entering a courtyard of well-tended grass and lotus flower ponds. A haven of peace… were it not for its occupants.

A bunch of disheveled men crawled on the ground with the grace of maggots.

When Yuren Jie came back to his senses, he was standing at the edge of the platform again.

“Right, looks like it’s everyone. As I said before, your next step is the medical pavilion, over there.”

She pointed at a distant mountain.

“And since you are now properly dressed, you might as well get some practice out of it. Remember: there is an aura around here that heals you… which means…”

Yuren Jie turned to see the Fairy Thread Seeker wielding a long, metal weapon with a tube at the end.

“It means that even when I hurt you, you heal. So every minute from now on, I will shoot the slowest runner. Better start running now.”

Yuren Jie was not hiding, for he was not a coward.

He had merely... tactically relocated himself to a location where the bloodthirsty mistress of the forge wouldn’t immediately see him. Yes, this was wise. Yuren Jie was certain that arriving at the Golden Hoarder Sect would teach him many lessons, and he was correct.

For example, he was learning the wisdom of discretion already. He was not so unwise as to not take this lesson to heart.

The medical pavilion still awaited, but it was atop a peak near the centre of the sect’s great holdings. The other new disciples had taken the straight path, across bridges and over ravines, the mad cackles... polite tittering of the forge mistress behind them.

Yuren Jie had chosen a less direct path. Perhaps it would be somewhat slower, but only if he didn’t move with great alacrity.

So he moved quickly... from statue to statue and from large stone to large stone, constantly on the lookout for a bloody, hungry smile from the shadows. He froze when he saw motion, but it was just a small cat who stared at him with about as much passion as one could expect from a cat. It seemed to sneer before sauntering off. He wondered if even the wildlife here was... peculiar.

After some distance was made, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. it seemed as though he would make it in due time with no great risk to himself. This, too, was wisdom. Truly this sect was the greatest if it could impart such wisdom so easily and clearly.

“Why’re you sneaking around?”

Yuren Jie started and spun to find... no one. He looked left and right, then cast his senses both upwards and down, but he felt no presence. Had the stress upon his core caused a deviation in his mind?

Turning, he started again as he discovered a woman sitting upon a statue on the path ahead of him. She was clad in strange garments, clothes that were tight against her body, and a large flowing coat like a robe cut down the front. More interesting were her ears. The ears of a cat sat atop her head, perked forwards at attention even as the woman smiled cockily.

Truly, she lacked the aura of a jade beauty, and instead felt like a cocksure, cockless, young master.

“Who are you?” he asked, his guard rising. Was this an older disciple of the sect?

The girl grinned, displaying slightly crookedy teeth. “I’m just a stray,” she said. “What are you doing, sneaking around my neck of the woods?”

“This... is not a forest?” Yuren Jie said with a gesture to the area around them. This was one of the lower peaks, a flattened mount with several paths cut into its sides. There were archways here and there, and a few small garden pavilions with fantastic views of the ravines between the peaks. He could well imagine an elder cultivator sitting here and enjoying some ten billion year old ginseng.

The young woman blinked, then stared off into space. “You know, he’s right, this isn’t a woods, so that saying doesn’t make sense.”

She nodded. Then frowned.

“I guess it could be some language drift stuff,” she continued to speak. He was quite certain she wasn’t speaking to him, and was equally certain that she wasn’t quite sane.

“I will just be on my way, then,” he said.

“Hey now, no strutting off on my turf,” Stray said, her attention snapping back onto him. “Where are you heading off too, anyway?”

“If you must know, the medical pavilion.”

Her eyes widened a fraction, as did her smile. “Oh, you’re a newbie!” she gushed. “Fresh blood! A little baby cultivator!”

Yuren Jie tensed, then glared. “I am Yuren Jie, and I will reach the heavens, defy them, and surpass them to become even greater!”

The woman snorted. “You don’t look like you could handle a fight against a scarecrow,” she said. “You’re all thin, no muscles. No brains either. And where’s your gear? Are you gonna reach the heavens with those pretty-boy robes? Flash the entire realm while you’re up there?”

Yuren Jie stood straighter. “What is this juvenile taunting?”

“I’m not juvenile. You’re juvenile,” she said. Then she stuck her tongue out at him.

Yuren Jie spun on a heel and walked onwards. He was leaving this place and this discussion. He knew not where this woman had come from, but he wouldn’t have minded if she crawled back to that place.

As he came around a bend, he felt his heart constrict at the sight. There was another statue of a large cat, and atop it, the woman was lounging, one leg bouncing casually. She was eating grapes from a small bowl. “Okay, so I might have been somewhat immature,” she admitted. “Tell me this, uh... Yuren Jie? Weird name. Anyway, tell me this; if you want to be so strong, why don’t you let me take you on a little detour?”

“I will not follow you, strange woman,” he said. Was this a test? A punishment for deviating from the straight path to the medical pavilion?

“You’ll get treasures and new weapons and all sorts of neat rewards,” she said temptingly.

Yuren Jie stood taller. “Treasures?” he asked. “Who are you, exactly?”

The woman grinned the kind of smile he’d only seen on cats who discovered a saucerful of cream. “I’m the Golden Hoarder Sect’s quartermaster. You need a Heavenly Spear-Throwing Earth-Shattering Bursting Demonic Pillar Emitter to fuck up some local dragon and I hand you an ICBM.”

He didn’t know what either of those were, but the first sounded fearsome and powerful, the kind of legendary weapon oft associated with the Golden Hoard Sect. Was she truly the sect’s quartermaster? If so, it would do him well to make her acquaintance.

He eyed her for a moment. Her clothes were strange, but of fine make, and while he couldn’t discern the use of the items she carried, they seemed to be of exquisite craftsmanship. They also had small images carved onto them, of cats frolicking and staring and licking themselves.

On reflection, many of the stories of the sect’s greatest warriors often mentioned that their swords of Rending Earth and their Heavenly Iron Arrow Hurlers had cat-like symbols upon them. Perhaps this woman truly was the sect’s quartermaster.

He bowed. “What favours can I accomplish for you, Lady Quartermaster.”

The lady smiled. “A quest, then! Hmm... there’s a shop on the far end of the sect. It’s just past the western gate. There you will find a woman who makes sweetcakes and sells artisanal teas.”

Yuren Jie nodded along. Was this the fabled fetch-quest?

“I want you to go there, tip over her tea pots, and burn her cakes.”

“Sabotage,” she clarified. “Sabotage her shop. Don’t kill her or anything, you know, just ruin her afternoon.”

“Has this woman threatened the Golden Hoarder Sect?” he asked.

The lady quartermaster looked away, not meeting his eyes. “In a manner of speaking.”

“That is not as clear of an answer as I expected,” he said. Not that he minded too much. If the sect needed him to scythe through ten million innocent civilians to prove himself, then that would be a small price to pay. “Though I am curious as to her capabilities.” There had to be something more here.”

Stray Cat cleared her throat. “She gave my girlfriend a free sweetcake the other day.”

“That’s basically flirting, you know?” she said.

“You wish for me to punish a mortal because she has laid eyes upon your girl?” he asked.

“She didn’t just lay eyes. Laying eyes is fine. My girl is the prettiest girl under heaven, so I can’t blame either mortal or immortal for wanting to look. She gave my girl sweetcakes. That’s crossing a line! Only I’m allowed to give her cake!”

Yuren Jie looked at her and took a moment to process what he was hearing. It was petty. It was petty and jealous. But it was also a task. One that would surely test his skills. “I accept, lady quartermaster,” he said with a low bow of respect.

“Cool,” she said. He wasn’t sure what the weather had to do with anything, but he chose not to question her. “By the way, you’re Yuren Jie, right?”

“Oh, yeah, you’re supposed to be at the medical pavilion. Like, right now. I’m pretty sure if you don’t show up soon, Fairy Elaine’s gonna be pissed, and between her and a live nuke, I’d rather piss off the nuke, you know what I’m saying?”

Yuren Jie glanced down the path, then bowed quickly before darting along. He couldn’t afford to be late!

Once he was done with this medical examination, he would begin upon this quest. It would be one of the first steps towards gaining what he needed to defy the heavens!

~Selkie’s part because I’m just too impatient~

Yuren hurried onto the Medical Pavilion. The sharp crack from Fairy Thread Seeker’s weapon as she fired upon the slowest members of the entrance class, along with the occasional hair-raising cackle let him know that, in spite of his side quest, he was not so utterly late to the lecture on safe sects.

Why they needed such a thing, Yuren didn’t know. And yet, was that not the point of attending the Golden Hoard Sect? To receive wisdom from his elders? Truly, it was the only way this once-in-a-generation genius would ascend past the heavens. He would remember his stepping stones fondly once he’d arrived.

For now, it was time for wisdom.

Yuren could not claim to be the first in the lecture hall, and yet, he did not have the ignominy of being the last. He managed to slip in past a few fellow disciplines, rubbing their buttocks and complaining about Fairy Thread Seeker’s methods.

He wanted to snort disdainfully at them.

Weak. A basic trial, and they were complaining about mere pain? He had seen the truth - Fairy Elaine’s powers healed all injuries as they occurred. What was a little bit of pain on the bitter path of cultivation?

Yuren entered the grand lecture hall, the inside distorted to thousands of miles large, likely by some fantasy author with no proper sense of scale, and where the words ‘structural integrity’ and ‘loadbearing’ were simple suggestions.

The seats at the front were all taken by the over-eager, as were the seats at the back by the lazy. Yuren rolled his eyes at the painfully transparent ploys, and sat in the middle.

A beautiful cultivator took to the stage, with hair the color of soft hazel and blue eyes that twinkled with stars deep inside. Yurne rubbed his eyes and looked again.

There really were stars deep inside the cultivator’s phoenix eyes, and he straightened up as the petite woman began to speak.

“I’m Fairy Elaine. As part of the orientation to the Golden Hoarder Sect, we will be discussing Safe Sects practices.”

There were titters around the room, and some of the men gazed lustfully at the jade beauties that were scattered throughout the room. Yuren wasn’t thinking too highly of his peers. While they chased the unobtainable flowers, he studied the blade. Seeking attachments was a distraction from cultivation and the Dao.

“First! Before two Sects do battle with each other, it is important that both Sects understand that they are going to do battle.”

Yuren’s eyebrows scrunched up as he tried to divine the wisdom inside. He struggled - didn’t that completely remove sneak attacks and thefts? Then again, the Golden Hoard Sect was considered one of the most noble, virtuous, upstanding, dignified, honorable, gallant, respectable, principled, esteemed, righteous, valiant, stalwart, and gracious sects around. Maybe this was just one of their rules.

“Second! Demonic cultivators can be hidden within the ranks of a sect. It is impossible to know where they are, and which sects have hidden members within their ranks, and which ones are clean. When doing battle, it is best to always protect one’s sect from demonic cultivators trying to infiltrate.”

Shouldn’t there be a lecture about how to identify demonic cultivators, and prevent infiltration? Perhaps that was a later, more advanced lecture.

“Third! Know I wanted this to be first, but was overruled. A sect should never ever, under any circumstances, do battle with a thousand year old vampire, or similar. Don’t do it. No.”

Would a vampire at a mere seven hundred years be acceptable? Or was that too similar? Yuren dutifully wrote down a note to ask later.

Fairy Elaine continued her lecture, dropping morsels of wisdom such as ‘don’t flash your sword carelessly’, ‘it’s perfectly acceptable to battle the Chrysanthemum sect with proper preparation’, and a long segment about ‘cultivation realm and level matters. Don’t do battle outside your realm, I might not be able to put you back together.’

Yuren scoffed at that. He was a genius whose battle prowess could cross realms! But why was she saying ‘battle’ so strangely, and why was half the lecture hall laughing and blushing?

“The last part of this lecture before we break out the bananas! It is well known that Sword and Spear sects enjoy battling Flower and Gourd sects. However! It is perfectly acceptable for a Sword Sect to battle a Spear Sect, just as it is acceptable for a Flower sect to battle a Gourd sect.”

Yuren was convinced by now the others in the lecture hall were idiots. The most basic of revelations - a Sword Sect battling another Sword Sect? How obvious! - was causing an uproar. A dozen disciplines spat blood in outrage. Three near Yuren suffered Qi deviation, their faces going purple as they clutched at their chest. Down near the front, such basic words had caused a revelation in a fellow disciple, the man instantly jumping three realms as the enlightenment raised his cultivation.

Yuren nodded to himself. Truly, he was a once-in-a-millennium genius.

Yuren hurried after Cat - Lady Quartermaster - unsure quite how he’d ended up following her, of all people. Perhaps it was the reasonable amount of martial might - Fairy Elaine didn’t seem to have any, Fairy Thread Seeker was too liberal in her application of violence, and sifu-sen- Sifu-Sensei, Yuren mentally corrected himself, suddenly paranoid that the dragon could read minds and the Lack of Capitalization inside of them - hurt his brain and caused nosebleeds every time he got near him.

Perhaps that was why the Catering Hall had the most powerful disciples.

Or maybe he followed the Lady Quartermaster simply because of the promise of treasures, new weapons, and neat rewards that had actually been delivered on. He wasn’t quite sure how a Gre Nade worked, but the impact it had in practice had been… satisfying.

Truly, the Golden Hoarder Sect had earned their reputation.

They skirted around the pigpen, then scooted down one of the Sect’s main roads.

“Hey! You!” A commanding voice arrested Yuren’s movements. He froze, like a mouse under the gaze of a hawk, slowly turning his head.

Yuren clasped his hands and bowed to Fairy Thread Seeker, who beckoned him over.

“Well? Are you just going to stand there all day?” She demanded. Yuren hurried over to see what she wanted, getting handed three jade slips.

Peerless cultivation manuals? Indomitable martial techniques? Repositories of forgotten treasures? Endless possibilities flashed through Yuren’s mind. His months of hard work were finally paying off! The heavens were smiling upon him!

“Please return these to Fairy Elaine, with my thanks.” Fairy Thread Seeker said. “And tell her I think she’ll enjoy the last one. What are you still doing here? Shoo!”

Yuren bobbed his head and shot out the door before Fairy Thread Seeker could think to use him for target practice once again.

On the empty trail to the Medical Pavilion, Yuren sneaked a look around. There was nobody around, and he couldn’t feel any spiritual presences looking at him. Fortunate favored the bold, and holding three high-level jade slips was a once in a lifetime opportunity. No mention had been made of a reward - perhaps the chance to glean wisdom from the jade slips was his reward, should he be able to comprehend the profound knowledge deep inside without exploding. The best would be a new cultivation technique that would let him get twice the results for half the effort.

Without a moment’s hesitation, Yuren plunged his consciousness into the jade slip, plundering its vast and unfathomable knowledge for himself.

His nose started to bleed at the deluge of information that slammed through his mind. Titillating moonlight rendezvous and ripped bodices, dark and mysterious men with plucky and bold women.

“Junior, you dare? Are you courting death?” A soft voice whispered from behind. Yuren jumped a foot in the air, spat blood, and immediately threw himself into a kowtow.

“Please forgive this impudent one’s transgressions!” He shouted out to Fairy Elaine. With a flick of her sleeves, she teleported the jade slips from his hands to her, and lifted an eyebrow at him. Yuren didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. “Fairy Thread Seeker wanted me to return these two to you, and thought you would enjoy the last one!”

Fairy Elaine’s face lit up, and she chuckled like a dirty old man. She waved Yuren off.

“Don’t go sneaking around. Be off with you, I hear Cat’s looking for you by the Treasure Pavilion.”

Yuren started to sweat again. The Treasure Pavilion was across the entire sect, and one of the loudest, most boisterous places. Fairy Elaine could hear that far?

Yuren found Cat again, and was engaged in the mundanities of the day, when, like thunder from a clear sky, the alarm bells began to ring.

The Lady Quartermaster perked up, throwing her paperwork into a corner.

“It’s a lobster attack!” She proclaimed, grabbing a key and unlocking the door to where the heavy Ordi Nance was kept.

“Lobster?” Yuren asked. Dinner was rebelling?

“It was supposed to be ‘monster’!” Cat yelled from the depths of the room. “Here, catch!”

Yuren caught a heavy, malleable block of unrecognisable substance. He poked it with his finger, seeing how it sank in.

“Except there was a typo, and autocorrect turned it into lobster!” Cat continued to explain, throwing more blocks to him. Yuren tried to catch them all, but two fists couldn’t block four hands.

Yuren had been learning wisdom, and one key component was to keep his mouth shut when heaven and earth were flipped on him.

“Let’s go!” Cat came out with a cart filled with more of the blocky plastics, clearly indicating that he should push. Yuren hurried after the Lady Quartermaster, quickly arriving at the field of battle.

The field of battle was all the walls of the sect. Against each one of them, monstrous lobsters the size of horses were attacking with terrible pincers, firing energy blasts from their claws. Nevermind the impossible vast distance between the Sect and the nearest body of water larger than a pond. Experts were as common as clouds, manning the walls and firing their own martial techniques back at the ravenous, never–ending hordes.

Yuren flinched as an expert was blown apart, an energy blade destroying his entire chest. A moment later he was restored, whole once again, slapping his now-naked chest and cursing the lobsters.

Yuren’s mouth dropped open. He thought Fairy Elaine’s healing was for training, and didn’t have any true capabilities in combat. Truely, he had eyes, but couldn’t see Mt. Tai.

“Stop staring, we’ve got a job to do.” Cat said. “I’m going deep. I need you to…” She looked him up and down, appraising him. He got the sense she changed her mind halfway through.

“Stand on the wall. When I call, throw me a new set of C4.”

The Lady Quartermaster went invisible, a block vanishing off the top of the pile. Yuren kept his eyes sharp, but from where he stood on the wall, he had an unparalleled view of the battle.

It raged back and forth, grand techniques splashing against the hardened shells of the lobsters. Ghostly fists and sword intent flew across the field, grand fireballs exploding on shells while haunting music turned lobster against lobster.

The lobsters were winning - should be winning - except the members of the Sect appeared to be invincible. No matter what attack they took, no matter what damage they suffered, they jumped back up a moment later in the picture of perfect health, leaving behind arms, legs, and clothing. When a lobster died, it stayed dead.

Cat briefly appeared on the field, and Yuren peerlessly threw two more blocks of C4 at her. She caught them and vanished again, a lobster’s claw snapping where she’d just been. Yuren narrowed his eyes, noting a small piece of the white substance appearing on a lobster’s head.

That much was enough to kill one of the tenacious beasts? Where fist and sword fell, that was a killing blow?

Yuren shook his head. He’d resolved not to say or think that word anymore.

The sky darkened behind him, and he turned to see what was happening next. An enormous flying ship had launched from the Sect, Fairy Thread Seeker standing on the prow with a tricorn hat, laughing maniacally.

“You will rue the day you have run afoul of the Dread Pirate Fairy Thread Seeker, Queen of the arbitrarily high number of seas! Prepare to be tenderized! Servants! Open fire!”

The cannons on the ship began to roar, smashing down at impossible speeds. Shell and pincers went flying, and Yuren dodged a large claw, only to get slapped in the face by an antenna.

Yuren took a deep breath. Down that path lay swift death, Fairy Elaine’s healing or not. Cat briefly appeared again, and Yuren tossed her some more explosives.

Dragon Sifu-Sensei took to the field next, his immense wingspan casting a great shadow on the world below. The dragon rained down a pyroclastic hell onto the lobsters; and those he didn’t burn, he poked with his mighty claw. His finger alone carried the strength of the heavens.

“Minions, get back here!” he roared. “The food has decided to die with honor: by feeding me! Cook them at once!”

The elite members of the Catering Hall flew over the wall on oversized spatulas, frying pans, knives, forks, woks, baking sheets, and whisks. Half of them were clicking tongs together menacingly. Eight of them were carrying an oversized cauldron of garlic butter between them. With deadly blows and lethal martial-cooking techniques, the members of the Catering Hall fought their way to Vainqueur, and began cooking. Half of them set up a perimeter, fighting the unending lobster legion, while the other half began slicing, dicing, and cooking.

Fried. Boiled. Steamed. Grilled. Baked. Sauteed. Broiled. Poached. Stewed. Smoked, barbecued, pan and deep-fried, acid-cooked and more. Every way there was to prepare food, the elite members of the Catering Hall provided. Dragon Sifu-Sensei, ever the wise and patient Elder, swallowed anything unlucky to be caught within arm’s reach.

Cat showed up again, and Yuren tossed her the last of the explosives. A few moments later, she was by his side, touching her throat. Her voice boomed as Yuren clasped his hands over his ears.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!” She yelled, most of the members dropping behind the wall. Yuren might’ve been slow, but he wasn’t quite an idiot, and he threw himself below the ramparts.

A cataclysmic explosion ripped through the lobster hordes, launching themselves into the sky like a river dragon ripping itself from the ground. Then, like the winter rains, a bloody barrage of finger-sized pieces started to rain down on all of them. Tails and shells joined the five viscera and six bowels in a gory rain.

“UNLEASH THE PIGS!” Another voice yelled.

Dread Pirate Fairy Thread Seeker screamed back from her ship.

“NOT THE PIGS YOU LOUSE-RIDDEN IDIOTS! I’LL-”

It was too late. The gates opened, and ten thousand flaming porcines took to the field, scything through the lobsters like a knife through melted garlic butter.

A delayed explosive launched a grapeshot of flaming bacon up into the sky. By the divine hand of providence and author fiat, they landed beautifully on the flying ship’s sails, setting them ablaze.

The ship started to go down in a torrent of profanities.

“Vainqueur! You lazy bastard! Do I have to do your job for you!?” A voice - was that Fairy Elaine’s? - screamed from Dread Pirate Fairy Thread Seeker’s sinking ship.

“I am your job!” Vainqueur roared back. “The purpose of life is to cater to dragons! Minions have jobs, and I have everything else!”

There was a pause, and Yuren swore he heard a soft sigh on the breeze.

Then the sky lit up as a dozen beams of pure, blinding Radiance launched from the ship, circling around the walls impossibly fast. Yuren was dozens of paces away from the beams occasionally sweeping over his head, and yet he was starting to sweat as the temperature soared.

“Lazy ass!” the voice shouted one last time. Yuren glanced over to Vainqueur, where a single one of his absolutely-totally-real whiskers had been cut in half, the other end slowly floating to the ground.

A hesitant cheer came up, then quickly increased in volume as the members of the Sect picked it up and welcomed their sudden and unexpected victory.

Maybe not too unexpected Yuren mentally amended.

Cat grinned and punched Yuren in the arm.

“Yeah! That’s how we do it here! Okay, I’m going to grab Lucy and the kittens, and we’re all going to have a nice little picnic. Your job is to get us some space, some lobster, and most importantly - some butter.”