Chapter 48: Chapter 48

~Uthman~

When Hana finally told me that we could visit Jade, I released a breath I did not know I had been holding since the last time I saw her.

She was unconscious and her brother had carried her.

I was nervous climbing the stairs to where her room was. I could literally hear my heart beat faster and faster.

'You guys should wait here. Let me check if she is awake'

Hana said and entered her room. I heard voices in the room but couldn't make out what they were saying. Then, the door opened again and Hana gestured for us to enter.

My heart picked up race again.

Calm down buddy. Just calm down.

The guys entered and I followed them.

She was sitting up on her bed, her knees drawn to her chest. She looked up briefly when we entered and smiled tightly at us.

At Akin and Dan because she wasn't looking at me.

And I could tell from that smile that it wasn't genuine, it was forced.

More like I don't want this people to see how broken I am at the moment. Let me just put on this facade.

'You guys should sit down na'

Hana said and we all sat down, simultaneously. I sat on her study desk and the guys sat on the sofa.

'How're you?'

Akin asked and she looked up again.

She was looking everywhere but at me.

'I guess I'm fine. I've gotten much better compared to when it happened.'

When it nearly happened.

We fell into an uncomfortable silence and I cleared my throat to ease the virtual lump that had formed there.

'Your phone has been off since. Why did you turn it off?'

Akin asked again. She looked around the room briefly and her eyes met mine. She looked away immediately.

'I needed the break and the silence.'

I heard Hana scowl.

'What break and silence? You're just punishing yourself. Maybe now that Uthman is here. He'd finally talk some sense into you.'

She looked up again at the mention of my name. Our eyes met for the briefest seconds before she looked away again.

'We should probably leave the both of them to talk.'

That was Akin and before I knew it, they all filed out. Hana whispered something into Jade's ears before she left.

Then it was the both of us.

I cleared my throat, willing myself to talk, to say something but I did not know what to say. I was supposed to be strong for her but look at me.

Way to go, Uthman.

'I'd understand if you want to take a break from this relationship.'

She said after a while and my ears perked up.

What?

That was the longest sentence she has spoken since we got her and she basically asked us to break up.

Where was that coming from?

One minute, I was sitting by her study desk, the next minute, I was sitting on her bed. She moved away immediately I sat down on her bed and she hugged her knees to herself even tighter.

I expected that.

Why? Because I had spent the last couple of days reading up on rape, near rape and the aftereffects.

Self blame or self guilt.

Numbness

Change of trust in others.

Sense of vulnerability

Fear

PTSD.

I don't blame her for involuntarily moving away when I moved closer to her, it's one of the many aftereffects. I just don't want her to wallow in self blame for too long. What happened was not her fault. She shouldnt blame herself because of a sicko.

What bothered me the most was the PTSD, Akin said she had an history of panic attacks. I don't want this to add to it again. I really wanted to be there for her but I just don't know how.

'What are you talking about? Why on earth would I want to break up with you?'

She said nothing for a while and when she did, her voice was croacky.

'You know, with everything that had happened, I really don't think I deserve you or anyone.'

I ran my hands through my hair. I really wanted to hold her and ease all her doubts away but I knew better than to do that.

'Jade, what happened was not your fault. You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened......'

She started to shake her head but I cut her off.

'I'm sorry I didn't get there on time but I'm also grateful I got there just in time. I don't know what I would've done if he had had his way. I might have killed him right there and then.'

She sniffed.

'These past eleven days were like one traumatic nightmare. I did not how you were, if you were fine or not and I was supposed to be living as if everything was okay. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. If you have to blame someone, then blame me. I'm so so sorry.'

She looked up at me then, her eyes misty. It was the first time she was really looking at me since we got here.

I miss her.

'I'm really sorry. Jadeshola.'

She burst into tears. I moved closer to her so her head was on my shoulder. I put my arms around her, hugging her closer. We stayed like that for a while until her tears subsidized.

The door opened and a lady entered.

Her sister.

She looked at us with raised eyebrow before she smiled.

'Never meant to interrupt anything. Just continue. I'd be back.'

Jade moved her head from my shoulder.

'Just come in Zee.'

She said and her sister smiled before entering the room fully. She was carrying take away nylons from Coldstone.

'You got Coldstone for me?'

'No oo, they're for Fatima'

'Lai Lai.'

Jade said and I smiled. All the signs that she was crying minutes ago were gone.

'So you are the cute boy my sister had a crush on, right?'

Zee asked looking at me.

I nodded.

'It's obvious you guys are now dating. I'd have loved to interrogate you but that would have to wait till next time.'

Interrogate me?

'Interrogate him? Is he a criminal?'

Jade asked and Zee burst into laughter.

I loved their banter. Zee wasn't even treating Jade like anything had happened to her. Zee passed Jade an ice-cream cone. She started to lick it.

'You should take some.'

She said just as someone knocked on the door and Akin and Hana entered.

'Uthman, we should go. It's getting late.'

I nodded and stood up.

'You're coming to school tomorrow?'

I asked her or I told her.

She looked up. I saw uncertainty in her eyes.

'I'm not sure.....'

'She's coming.'

Zee interrupted her and I looked at Zee, smiling at her.

'Alright then. See you tomorrow.'

Akin said and we walked out. I turned back to look at her by the door. She was looking at me.

I smiled at her.

She smiled back.

It was brief, it was fleeting but she smiled back.

********

~Jade~

His eyes.

Theyheld guilt.

He felt guilty.

He blamed himself for what happened.

To think I was beating myself up because I did not know how he felt about what happened.

About me.

I don't when I started crying.

It was safe to be back in safe arms. In the arms of the guy I like.

The next morning, Zee woke up around 6:30 am. She woke me up too. She had been sleeping in my room ever since she moved back in.

Temporarily. Because of me.

'You should prepare for school.'

I rubbed sleep off my face.

'I'm not going.'

'Yes, you're.'

'No, I'm not.'

'Of course, you are. You've been holed up in your room for 12 days.'

I groaned and sat up.

'Your jamb is exactly in a week's time. Your WAEC starts in three week's time. I know you're a guru but you really need to go back to school. You can't shy away from going to school for too long.'

She did not wait for me to reply before she walked out of my room. I closed my eyes and opened them again.

Was I really ready to go back to school?

To face that much people?

You're stronger than all of these Jade. You're way stronger than all of these.

I made my choice.

Minutes later, when I combing my hair, Zee entered my room. She was fully dressed. She smiled when she saw me in my school uniform.

'Good of you, baby girl.'

She said and hugged me. I smiled.

I wasn't even sure but at least, I have to take this step first.

'But are you going somewhere? Why are you dressed?'

'Hmm. I'm going to the hospital. Aunty Lara called. Her sister that had been staying with her called that she has to be somewhere.'

Aunty Lara? Who was that?

She must have noticed my lack of recognition at the name.

'She's Aunty Lara, my biological mom, I mean.'

I paused for a while. Aunty Lara? She doesn't call her mom?

'You don't call her mom?'

She turned away from me to look at the mirror.

'I don't call her mom. There is only one person I'd call that in the world and that's mom.'

I stopped combing my hair. I could only stare at her. I watched her apply lipstick on her lips. She straightened up and looked at me.

'Let me help you back your hair.'

I said nothing and I sat down on the stool in front of my dressing mirror. I watched as she packed my hair into two buns.

'You're good to go, baby sis.'

She whispered into my ears when she was done.

*******

I did not realize how much I've missed school until my driver into the school compound. I breathed deeply before I opened the door and I stepped out, feeling the gush of early March air.

You can do this.

You have to do this.

I wanted to turn back, enter the car and tell the driver to just drive me back home but that would be cowardly.

And I'm not a coward.

I put a foot in front of the other and I started walking towards the academic block. Juniors greeted me. Nobody looked at me as if I had grown two heads. Nobody looked at me as if something had happened. I was about climbing the stairs when I saw Ayisha. She smiled at me and hugged me.

'It's good to have you back.'

Ayisha hugged me?

That was a first. She probably did that because of Akin.

She pulled back, a small smile playing on her lips.

'Are you in a hurry or do you have a minute you can spare?'

I nodded slowly, wondering what she was up.

'Sure. I have a minute to spare.'

She nodded and pulled me into the open space beside the academic block.

'I'm sorry you had through that. I know it's terrifying. Nobody deserves to go through something as horrifying as rape or even an attempt.....'

Where was she going to with that? The last thing I needed was pity. I don't want it. I put out my hand to stop her.

'Ayisha, I don't want your pity. The last thing I need is your pity and.......'

'I was raped when I was 13. We were in SS1.'

What? Ayisha was raped? Ayisha? Ayisha Bello? The proud snobbish girl who doesn't talk to anybody.

'I'm not telling you this because I want you to pity me. Fine! I was raped by our chauffeur when I was 13. My parents were always busy. They were never around and as an only child, the people I had around me were our staffs at home. He was nice and kind to me until the night he came into my room and stole my innocence from me. I was young, I hated myself, I blamed myself, I shut everybody out. I stopped talking to my friends, stopped playing with people. I was safe in my own silence. It was a one time thing and I'm still living with the repercussions till today.'

She paused and I paused too, not knowing what to say. I distinctly remembered a time when Ayisha had friends and was jovial. I remembered how she changed suddenly. I did not care because it was none of my business. What I did not know was that she had gone through something that harrowing. Only God knows how she must have felt. She was only a child.

'I've never told anyone except Akin. The only reason why I'm telling you this now is that you have friends, you have friends who genuinely care about you. Don't shut them out, let them in, let them help you heal. They really care about you. I regretted that I got raped but what I regret now is the fact that I shut my friends out. I should have allowed them in, instead of just shutting them out. I was really alone and lonely then but the loneliness was something I brought upon myself. '

She paused again and I heard her stifle.

'You shouldn't let what happened to define you. You should break free from it. Forget it like a bad dream.'

She smiled and looked at me.

'I said way too much, abi? Don't mind me. I'm not always this talkative but you know....'

She smiled again and she started to walk away.

Was this what Akin meant by she was going through a lot?

'What about you?'

I called out after her. She stopped and turned back.

'What?'

'You said I should not allow this to define me. What about you? You keep turning Akin down because of this. Why? You should break free too.'

She smiled again. It was like I was seeing her in a whole new light.

'I'm still trying to break free too. I'm still trying.'

And she walked off. I stood there for a minute, trying to gather my thoughts. I don't know when I started crying. I squatted on the floor and sobbed unto my knees. The few students who walked by paused to stare at me. I did not care.

This was me letting go of all my pent up emotions.

Minutes later, I cleaned my tears and climbed the stairs with my heart in my mouth. Uthman and the rest of the gang were standing in front of our class. I swallowed as I walked closer to them. They were looking downstairs so they did not see me approach.

I swallowed again.

'Guys........'

I trailed off just as they all turned to look at me.

Hana shrieked and hugged me.

'God! I knew you were going to come. You only needed Uthman to talk you out of your solace.'

I smiled as she drew back.

'Welcome back, girlfriend. I missed you and Uthman acting all lovey dovey and staring at each other with puppy eyes.'

I shook my head. Trust Akin with his words.

'Puppy eyes? Oh come on. I don't do puppy eyes.'

'Oh come on, I don't do puppy eyes.'

He mimicked, with a small smile playing on his lips. I smiled. It was good to be back.

'You don't do puppy eyes but look at the way Uthman is looking at you.'

Dan deadpanned and subconsciously, my eyes met Uthman's. I swallowed an imaginary lump in my throat. He was looking at me, searching my eyes and than he smiled.

My favorite smile.

'See them. And they don't do puppy eyes.'

Akin said and the three of them laughed. I smiled.

'We'll excuse you guys like always.'

Akin said and the three of them walked away, still shaking their head.

I kept my eyes on the floor and did not say anything. When Uthman did not say anything, I looked up and we locked eyes. He was looking at me quizzically. He was still searching my eyes.

'You've been crying.'

It was more of statement, then a question. I swallowed again.

'Something must have gotten into my eyes.'

It was obviously a lie but he believed it anyway.

He pretended to believe it.

The bell went off and students started to scamper to the hall. I looked at him and we locked eyes again.

'Let's just skip this assembly.'

We said at the same time and we both burst into laughter.

'It's good to have you back. I missed you, a whole lot. Eleven days were like eleven months. I don't know what I'd do without you. What hurt the most was the fact that I did not even know how you were fairing.'

He said once he pulled me into our corner.

'I missed you too and I'm sorry for the silence all these days.'

He nodded and smiled at me.

I smiled back.

When I got home, I turned my phone on. There were lots of missed calls.

From Isreal.

From Akin

And most importantly, from Uthman.

There were lots of messages too. SMS AND WhatsApp messages. There were more than a 50 unread messages from Uthman. I opened.

'Hey babe, Are you fine'

'Are you okay?'

'I'm worried sick about you, please pick your call'

'I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I wish I could take it back.'

'I know you must be going through a lot right now. I'm so so sorry. Please call me'

'Jadeshola, are you alright? It's been six days of absolute silence from you. I'm worried sick.'

He sent a VN on the seventh day.

'Hey baby girl. I know you don't like we calling you this. I really don't know what to say. I'm so so sorry. I have no idea how you're fairing and that's breaking me. I wish I was with you. Take care and I miss you so much.'

I don't know when I started crying while listening to his voice. I glanced through the rest of the message.

Ayisha was right.

I needed to get back on my feet.

For Uthman

And most importantly for me.

Because he needed me..

********

~Uthman~

Jade was back to normal self. Almost back to her normal self. She was back to laughing and chatting with us but at times, I noticed she kept to herself. She would go off for minutes and most times, she would be quiet throughout lunch.

Michelle resumed school and I avoided her like a plaque. I did not know what to say to her.

Heck!

I don't have any words for her.

She did not try to avoid me tho. She would try to corner me at every single opportunity but I ignored her.

If there was one thing I regretted, it was ever becoming close to her in the first place.

But if I had not collected the key points from her, maybe I wouldn't have gotten close to Jade.

Maybe everything works hand in hand.

'How long are you going to ignore me?'

I glanced up at Michelle's voice. I was reading a textbook while walking so I did not know I was about walking into her. I ignored her and started to walk away.

'Really Uthman? You're still going to ignore me? I was sick for days and you did not check on me. Where did I go wrong?'

I stopped and turned back to look at her. Akin was right. This girl was mad.

'Michelle, are you dumb or something? You really expect me to talk to you? After everything?'

She moved closer to me.

'What do you mean by everything? What happened between Jade and I should remain between Jade and I. Are you really angry at me because of that? Nothing even happened.'

I clenched my fists because I knew for sure that if I did not, I would slap her.

'And what if something had happened?'

She shrugged.

'Her luck then'

Wow. What?

'You know, I have been blind all along. You're just plain evil. I regret ever getting close to you. I wish I could take back the years I spent being your friend.'

I walked off, feeling incredibly angry with myself.

A part of me felt bad though. Maybe I made her that way. Maybe not reciprocating her feelings made her that evil.

I squashed my subconscious thought immediately. No way would I allow myself to feel bad because of some girl.

Definitely not a girl who watched my girlfriend almost got raped.

Even if it wasn't my girlfriend, it could have been any girl.

What she did was inexcusable and I don't think I would ever forgive her.