Chapter 90: Chapter 90

The feeling of being in Dan's arms is bringing back dêjãvū and that puts a bad taste in my mouth. After eating - rather, forcing him to eat, he swept me into his arms and onto the dance floor and I had to painfully go through the memories of another time with Ash.

I can't do it anymore.

"I'm tired, Dan." I grimace as his hand tightens around my waist but I release a sigh of relief when it loosens and he steps back with a jerky nod.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I'll take you home now."

"No!" My voice comes out loud, so I paste a smile on my face hoping it looks comfortable, and shake my head. "No, please." I shrug. "The night is still young, and. . ."

"What are you saying?" I watch with a sinking heart as hope flares to life in his eyes. I'm not tired of being with Dan, but he shouldn't look like I'm the next best thing after God.

What have I gotten myself into? Unfortunately for me, I can't stop now. "I mean, we can go watch the symphony you mentioned earlier?"

The smile he gives me is stunning in its brightness and would have made another normal female's stomach flutter with butterflies. Unfortunately, I'm not a normal female and neither is this situation I'm currently trying to navigate through. He takes my hand and leads me out of the restaurant.

The sky is dark but the moon is out. There's a crisp smell in the air, showcasing that fall is on its way. As we get into the car, Dan cracks another one of his lame jokes, but this time, I crack up at how bad it sounds. He joins me in laughter because he knows why I'm laughing. He looks at me and the air sizzles with tension, lust hangs in the air, and passion rides on its wings.

Somehow, his face gets closer. Closer still, but just before his mouth settles on mine, I look away toward the window.

I can't. I just can't do this.

Correction: I won't do this.

My heart - the stupid fragile thing - still beats for a man who walked out on me a year ago.

Dan exhales from beside me and for a few seconds, goes quiet, and then he starts the car and puts it in the drive. I don't know what another man would have done in Dan's place, but if I were in his shoes, I would have said not another word throughout the drive. I'd be too busy sulking.

It seems Dan is made from sterner stuff, or maybe he was taught date tactics in school because this man starts talking about his parents. They're elderly and decided to move to their country home and away from the hustle and bustle of city life. They're also retired surgeons and have just two kids - he and an elder brother who recently passed.

"I'm sorry for your loss," I say feeling shitty.

"And I'm sorry for yours." His smile is sad.

My heart aches on hearing his words. Ever since I told Dan about Tanya, he encouraged me to go to her grave and spend time talking with her. I listened to him and ever since I've been doing so, I've felt peace and tranquility. I no longer wake up in the night wishing for death. I don't blank out anymore, and nor do I feel all alone.

"A penny for your thoughts, my lady." Dan interrupts my rumination and for a moment, I get lost in the shine in his eyes and the brightness of his smile.

I shake my head and face the window once more. When we get to a red light, he takes my hand in his and squeezes. The light changes to green and I try to release my hand but he tightens his hold around it. This is how we get to Walt Disney Concert Hall.

Everywhere is jam parked and it takes a while for him to see somewhere to park but when he finally gets one, we practically have to push through the crowd to get inside. I'm a second away from telling him he should take me home when the crowd eases up and we're able to walk through instead of practically wading through.

Since Dan already has tickets, we're let inside easily and make a beeline for our seats which are practically upfront. It's close enough so I can see what all the fuss a symphony orchestra is all about. As the men meant to perform begin to file out, I can't tear my eyes away from them. I start to count each of them and just when I think they're done, more spill out from the sides as well.

My eyes almost bulge out when I count eighty of them. I turn to Dan whose eyes have never left them and whisper. "Why are there so many?"

Dan turns to face me and it seems as if he's changed. His eyes are glossier and they look like they've just seen a ghost. No - not a ghost, the Holy Ghost, and a myriad of angels.

"Eighty is actually modest." He whispers back, his voice taking on an excited note. "Some symphonies have up to a hundred, maybe even more."

I nod and turn back to watch the men as they each take a stand behind the musical instruments of their choice. The choirmaster - because I don't know what else to call him - stands in front of them, holding a small silver staff. He lifts it in the air and as soon as he brings it down, a haunting sound rents the air, making me look around.

"That's the piano," Dan whispers to me, his voice clearly showing how excited he is. "Symphony no. 9 in D minor by Beethoven is what they're going to play now."

I'll never understand why people like classical music played by an orchestra, but guess I'm going to find out now what the big deal is all about.

I say nothing and keep listening. The music starts slow but soon becomes fast, faster still until it becomes haunting, yet beautiful. From the corner of my eyes, I see Dan lifting his fingers in tandem with the strings of the musical instruments. It's like he's the choirmaster and they're his people. I can't take it any longer, so I turn my face and look at him.

His eyes are closed and there's a smile on his face. He looks like he's in ecstasy. I feel my lips curl of their own volition as I enjoy listening to the music by watching the raw display of emotions on his face. I never thought I would enjoy it but as I listen and intermittently watch Dan's face, I can honestly say there's nowhere else I'd rather be than here with him, watching him and feeling spellbound. At a point, he takes hold of my hand and squeezes.

I would have thought that after two hours, I would be bored stiff out of my mind, but here I am, enjoying every single moment and wishing for more. Overhead strobe lights suddenly light up the dark theatre before dimming once more as the music stops suddenly. The haunting strings of the violin ring out amplified by the silence of the cavernous theatre.

The strobe lights come on once more, but this time, they swing around, casting light on the faces of everyone seated. I pull my gaze away from Dan and as I turn to look at the stage, the couple in front of us is awash with light and my breathing almost seizes.

For some brief seconds, the lights highlight the face of the man and I'm telling myself this must be a trick of the light or maybe my mind's playing tricks on me. I don't know, but even in my dreams, I'll remember the curve of that jaw, the long slant of his nose, the lone dimple, and his full red lips.

He has an arm around a woman with a slender neck and long blonde hair and he's smiling at her like she's the most precious thing he's ever seen before.

My blood begins to boil longer as I stare at them.

It's the same man who didn't show up for his engagement party with me.

The same man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

The same man for who I now have a baby girl..

Ash.

As if seeing him with another woman is not enough, I see a flash of gold on his left hand, and just like in thriller movies where you're only given a snapshot of something ominous to come, strobe lights move away from the couple's faces.

The symphony ends with roaring claps and a standing ovation drowning out my heaving gasps.