Chapter 28: Chapter 28
'So are you going to have the baby and keep it?' Charles repeated when Sharon kept silent.
She sighed. 'I don't know.At first when I was in shock, I did think of an abortion, but I can't quite bring myself to do it'.
David listened without comment, she gave him a wry smile.
'You can't escape your upbringing, can you?My father brought me up to face my own responsibility for what I have done, not just get rid of the evidence and try to walk away as if nothing happened. Abortion would be ducking out, wouldn't it?'
It's your body- you are the one who has to decide. Women have abortion everyday', David said dispassionately.
'Yes, I know', she said slowly. 'And I respect their reasons for coming to that decision, they have other circumstances to cope with, other backgrounds. I only know how I feel. I am the one who has to live with the consequences, whichever way I take, all because I was stupid and reckless for just one night and went to bed with Bryan'.
'You see the baby as a punishment you deserve?' David thought aloud. 'What about the baby though? If you aren't going to want it, of you are going to be resentful, it seems a pretty grim outlook for the baby'.
Sharon gave him a stricken stare. 'I haven't thought of it from the baby's point of view. Oh damn... why does everything have to be so complicated? I am only begining to come to terms with the idea that I am pregnant. I am still seeing everything from my own point if view. Don't confuse me the more, David. Maybe the both of us need counselling'.
He laughed involuntarily. I think we do. Aren't we a pathetic pair? But you can always allow the child to be adopted, Sharon, after the birth'.
She felt a strange angry clutch in her stomach and her green eyes flashed. 'No. I shall keep it's, she said realising that without being aware of the fact, she had already decided on that.
'I suppose the maternal instinct is the basic female instinct ', David said in an approving tone and she gave him a half irritated look.
'Don't talk to me about instincts! It is a most basic instinct that got me into this mess in the first place!'
David laughed. Well I think that you will make a very good mother - you can be so calm and down - to - earth, yet at the same time you are sympathetic and understanding. Lucky baby!'
Sharon shivered. For the first time, she actually wondered what the baby would look like if... when...it arrived. Would it have her red hair and green eyes or would it inherit Bryan's colouring, black hair and eyes and olive skin? Then she felt a stab of nervous tension and pushed the idea away. She didn't want to think that way, it made the baby too real. It made it harder to make a cool headed, sensible decision about its future.
David glanced at his watch. 'I'd better be on my way, It's getting late. I pick up a taxi on the embarkment'. At the door, he paused, 'We are still going to Vienna, aren't we Sharon?'
She gave him a searching, uncertain look. 'Will you be well enough?'
He answered, his voice casual, 'As long as this thing in my head doesn't suddenly start growing faster, I hope so. I am living from day to day at the moment but I really want to go. I am looking forward to it enormously. It could be my last Christmas'.
She turned paler, flinched. 'Don't talk that way, David. You must stop being so negative. Try thinking positive thoughts'.
'Christmas in Vienna is a very positive thought', he said smiling at her. 'I have a feeling that we shall go and I want it to be a very special time for both of us'. Then he paused, frowning, looked sharply at her. 'Unless you no longer want to go with me now, you know?' Dryness edged his voice. 'I can understand if you feel you can't face the thought of spending one week on the edge of eternity'.
'Don't be silly David. Of course I still want to go.I can't wait to see the Vienna woods in the snow', she said at once, lightly but after he had gone, her spirits sank. All her fears and uncertainties came back to haunt her.
That was yet another of her white nights. There had been many of such nights lately, when she would not sleep, her mind going round and round on the same old trails , like a mouse on a toy wheel.
Tonight though, she had something else to brood over. The bombshell of David's news was still reverberating within her. The shock and grief kept growing and darkening like the bruise which only came out on the skin as time went by.
What if he did die? She had worked with David ever since she came down to London from the North. She admired and loved him. She couldn't bear the thought of the bank without him.
She sat on her bed in white silk pyjamas, her knees up, her arms around them, her auburn head propped up, staring into the dark, hearing rain lash down the windows, the wind rattled a gate somewhere. Out in the London streets, the traffic sounded like the distant roaring of animals but Sharon was unaware of it, too accustomed to the sounds to hear them anymore.
What David needed was to have some energy and drive put into him to help him fight this thing which was eating his brains away. Somehow, she was going to have to talk him into exerting himself- saving his life if he could. David should not just give in to death without a whimper. She wouldn't let him.
She thought about all these for a long time. Sleep eluding her. She did not know what to say to people when she started showing. Who would she say the father of the baby was? She guessed that she would know how to cross that bridge when she got there but for now, she just wanted to make sure that David had a fair fighting chance.