Chapter 23: Chapter 23

Life isn't about the quest for pleasure or monetary gain but a voyage into the unknown. You're not suppose to have all the answers but your quest is to seek out meaning amongst the unknown. Pick out among what you find what gives you joy and a sense of purpose.

You will find the place where you were meant to take your stand.

I couldn't know Where I was or whether I was alive

but I pray I'm not,my body is numb I can't breath, i can't feel my legs nor my body move,I'm in a white clothes but why ain't the angel asking me questions already?no it can't be,will I be able to pass the questions and finally go to jannah?is it perhaps a Friday today?for the angels don't ask questions on fridays because they're at the mosque?will Allah almighty forgive me for committing suicide?ooh Allah I fear the answers,I fear now,I fear meeting my lord,I'm so much in pain and fear,but why isn't the angels here?could I be alive,could I get a chance to make up for my mistakes?will I ever be able to see nature and it's beautiful surroundings?the clouds,the animals the roads,cars and houses?ya Allah I have no courage to face my family right now,I feel so ashamed and right now I'm in between life or death even though it's seems like a dream.

Why are you alive Amaani? but could I be really alive?or  maybe perhaps dead?im going hungry for this answer!

You did not choose being alive at the beginning. It was out of control. You were made. And you rose. And you became a person that can decide. A person that can decide to live or die. A person that can find an answer to the question "Why should I stay alive?" My inner conscience speak up.

So maybe one day I will find a reason and purpose for my life.

I felt as if I was thrown into the world again,I could feel my eyes slowly opening and within a minute I was alive,I was back in this dunya,indeed Allah is the most beneficent,I am given another chance in life-a chance to seek  for forgiveness and to make up for my mistake,now I know I have a reason to live.

The view was blurry felt like it's been years since I opened my eyes,Turning my head to the right and then left-all I could see was people with worried faces,ooh how much I've troubled everyone,I close my eyes in shame and truly I'd like the angel of death to come take me with him.

"Amaani,Amaani pls don't leave me again,open your eyes"that voice was the last one I heard before knocking down and now it's sound weak. "Mami" I said trying to sit myself down,"careful girl"

This is just how much they love you,but your too selfish to see that,all you wanted was to kill us,I and you,and no matter what we know this woman have always love you and stand for you and here you are even though you tried to commit a huge sin,she still cares,oooh just how much you've suffered this old lady-thanks heaven you didn't get to be the death of her!

Stupid inner conscience I thoughts,though it was pure truth,i can't handle this.

"Amaani you okay?"the doctor came rushing down to my side checking my temperature,he asked with a disappointed look on his face."I'm good"I said while Bowing  my head in shame.even though my neck hurts due to the rope I tied in their I couldn't help tell the doctor. "why did you have to do that Ammani?"Mami asked and by just looking at her,I felt hot liquid falling down my cheeks,"I'm so sorry Mami"I said in between sobs ,she gave me a tight hug saying soothing words in my ears.i cried,cried and cried until it felt like forever.with the little courage left in me,I looked up to the people in the room,Abba,Mama,ya zuzu ,Halima,Ma,my friends and some of my family members. "Can y'all please forgive me for the grave mistake I've made,for making you suffer like this,for making you worry like forever,I'm truly sorry,pls find it in your hearts to forgive me"I said while crying.

"Shhh it's okay don't cry dear"Mami said while rubbing my back.

"Why on earth do you have to do what you've done?"Abba said angrily making me flinched.

"I...m...s...orry Abba"it came more like a whisper and I know he's gonna be mad for a very long time I couldn't help but cry some more.

"Are you some kind of a child,why on earth will you think of committing suicide?what haven't we given you,money,love or care?what else haven't I given you in this world Amaani and yet you wanted to repay me with nothing but suicide?"he spat disappointedly

You've changed you don't talk to me nor ask me how was school,you don't care to see my grades nor tell me I'm proud of you my daughter,all you do and think is provide me with everything I need but not everything dad what about the love,care and affection?what about the bond we once's shared and the lovely moments?what happened to us,to you and I?you simply think money is all I want or care for?you think I don't miss you?i don't want us to become one just like before?you think I'm not lonely in this world?in my own world?you think not having a caring and loving mother doesn't make me cry and crave  for one?you think my father ignoring me and behaving as if he was forced to being my father doesn't make me cry myself to bed all night?not having both parents by my side to listen to my problems and tend to make me happy by reassuring me that everything will be alright doesn't hurt me ?no I have dreams too,all I want is to have a perfect family but all I get is pain and regret why me?why my life?do I seem to be a bad luck by chance?So tell me why won't a person who's not wanted and appreciated by both parents wants to live a life for?a life full of pain and grieve , depression and anxiety?why won't death be preferable for me?

All I wanted to say was this but it still won't help with the situation and so I hug back my words even though I badly wanted to say them,I let it in my heart,and all I did was cry.

All I could do was cry more harder even though I know my tears won't save me this time.i tighten my hug on Mami and this words were piercing directly into my already broken heart.

"I'm very ve.."Mami cut him off and surprised everyone with something She have never done

"Aminnnnnnnnn!!!enough,I said enough"not in the baddest time has Mami ever called Abba with his name but today she didn't just call him by his name she spat at him and gave him the most dangerous glare I haven't seen in a while,which made fear visible in his eyes and the room went dead silent except for my uncontrollable sobs.without  a word Abba stepped out of the room and like that everyone followed until it was just i and Mami.

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This is for all the people Who has/have had experience on suicidal thoughts,it’s not easy to feel unwanted or to have voices in your head and mind with thoughts of negativity without having the courage to voice all the hurt out,people take advantage,people go unnoticed but I want you all to know you’re loved,and always love yourself❤️look into the mirror and tell yourself I am beautiful,because you’re,don’t forget to always wash all the physical hurt ness visible with a beautiful smile ,stay strong and always keep a positive heart.

Indeed to find the meaning of life, we need to find the source from which life is created and develops.

The source of life is the upper force.

We can call the upper force "the Creator," the "upper light," "nature" and many other terms, but essentially, there is a source of life, and the question about life's meaning and purpose stems from it. Ultimately, we exist in order to attain the meaning of our lives.

How we attain the meaning of life is another question.

How can we attain the source of life?

It is a question that humans specifically ask, and not all kinds of forms and organisms on the still, vegetative and animate levels of nature.

I have often wondered the same thing. Depression is so cruel, painful and horrible.

When you are in it you can't see anything else in the future except more misery. Hope does not exist.

You think everyone would be better off if you were gone. And you just want the agony to end.

I still experience times where I seriously consider suicide. Just. To. Make. It. Stop.

When it gets completely overwhelming and I can't tolerate the pain anymore and am sobbing uncontrollably for hours, I have to take enough meds to knock myself out for a while.

Because if I don't I know I'll harm or kill myself.

I feel like I have accomplished nothing in my life and have nothing to contribute to this world. I feel like it will be this way for the rest of my life.

And I will lose everyone I care about and be completely alone forever.

I desperately try to tell myself that the feeling of wanting to die will pass.

I just have to hang on for now. I don't think a person can be in an intensely suicidal state for an extended period of time. It's a crisis situation that peaks and then eventually falls.

When I am feeling like I really might attempt suicide I usually don't tell anyone or reach out for help and support. I know I should!

I think part of the reason in my case is my fear of being involuntarily committed to the psych unit Because those are such awful places and

Sometimes I still have nightmares about being committed. To me, death is preferable.

Anyways my life is  a waste because I have done nothing with it. And my fear that I will never be able to because of my depression.

I try to convince myself that I must still be alive for some reason, because I have actually died twice from suicide attempts and been brought back. Surely my purpose isn't just to suffer.

I struggle a lot with whether or not I believe in God and an afterlife. Most of the time I consider myself agnostic.